Rachel Uchitel, This Is Your FutureS

Rachel Uchitel is a mess. Her reputation, that is! Her hair's fine. But the Tiger Woods Affair allegations are everywhere. As are other salacious rumors. And pictures. You're not handling it well, Rachel. We're here to help you take control.

  • What do you want to be when you grow up? This is the question you must ask yourself now, Rachel. Out of scandal comes opportunity. But you must know what you're pursuing if you are to achieve it. Think about it. We have some ideas too!
  • Only talk to your friends. The corollary of this being, "Know who your friends are." The New York Post is not your friend, Rachel. It is not anyone's friend. So why oh why did you give them the big interview today? The gist of your interview was "I barely know Tiger Woods and nothing happened between us." The cover headline: "TIGER & ME: Beautiful 'other woman reveals the truth about her relationship with sports' biggest star." See how that does not serve you well, since many more people will read the headline than will read your actual words? Yes. A "friend" in the media is an outlet that will cede you friendly coverage in exchange for access. And don't go too far downscale. RadarOnline, for example, would just make you seem like more of a nut. Aim for Barbara Walters. Settle for Bob Costas.
  • Pick an image and stick to it. From a BlackBook interview, June 2008: "Although I've been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, I will never kiss and tell!"
    From your New York Post interview today: "It doesn't look good because of stories in the past about me and other celebrities, and everybody thinks I'm just a celebrity f - - -er. Well the truth is, I live alone, I don't have a boyfriend, and I have my gay best friend staying over most nights. I'm a recluse. I don't go out, I stay home with my dogs and friends."
    So which is it? Clearly, it is "Celebrity fucker," in truth. Which is okay! Many people in this world aspire to become a celebrity fucker, but few ever live that dream. You have, and you should not be ashamed. Just go with it.
  • Work that nightlife angle. Hmm, what would be a perfect industry in which a woman such as yourself could use the fame associated with vague celebrity sex scandal to her advantage? An industry in which the mystique cultivated by more silence, Rachel,selective silence, could be beneficially used to draw people into your orbit? And industry in which you already know everyone? Yes. Nightlife. You should right now be out hustling investors to open your own club down the road. A sexy and dangerous club. A club where the notoriety that goes along with fucking Tiger Woods et al. will not be shameful. It will be celebrated. It will make you popular. And you will win.
  • Calibrate your edginess carefully. Nightclub, yes. Porn, no. You're no Ashley Dupre.
It's a small world, Rachel.
Rachel Uchitel, This Is Your FutureS