The Week We Were All Vibrator Victims

Everybody's Fine is out! Who's psyched, guys? America is psyched, that is who. Also: this week was about love. The bad kinds of love, with golf clubs and such.

Thanksgiving was horrible.

Surprisingly, Kato Kaeilin was found to be running around with the wrong sort of people. Facebook is up to something. Chelsea Clinton is going to marry a dude. Rush Limbaugh is going to marry a lady. New York gays will not be marrying anyone any time soon.

Some scientists sent some bitchy emails and now there is no more global warming.

We decided to stop watching certain TV shows, which gives us more time to play gay elf video games. (And watch gay elf Chistmas specials.)

Everyone is suing the New York Post for having a workplace environment that more or less reflect the content of the New York Post. Someone named Hugh "Skip" McGee thinks he is superior to anyone.

Bravo's constant search for the worst people in America (sorry, MTV!) is benefiting NBC news. (And hurting America.) We are applying the Wall Street Journal's rules of online terrorism in our battle against our various enemies.

It was also Thanksgiving for the popular fictional young people of television's The Gossiping Girls!

Barack Obama gave a pretty important speech. A French person said something Frenchy about sex and pornography and capitalism. We used the phrase "used vibrator victim." Because someone put a vibrator in someone else's bed. Someday the New York Times will have fewer blogs! Glee keeps making people who watch Glee cry.

War is a goddamned tragedy.

Top Chef got rid of the lady who seems quite talented but did not handle pressure well. We met and analyzed the cast of Jersey Shore.

Yelp's party was fine if you're some kid from the midwest but I am from California so I know what authentic sexy Holiday parties are supposed to be like and this one was overpriced and bland PLUS THE SERVER WAS A TOTAL BITCH TO ME WHEN I ASKED HER TO SPLIT THE CHECK THREE WAYS BUT NOT PUT ANY DRINKS ON THE THIRD ONE BECAUSE MY FRIEND SHOWED UP LATE.

Gawker is publishing White House pool reports and the Wall Street Journal is publishing James Franco. (We think celebrity op-eds are stupid though David Byrne had a good one a while back actually.) Ashley Dupre is still doing her thing, which is "talking about her previous thing."

30 Rock was pretty good. Sarah Palin is a birther now.

Tiger Woods had a bad Thanksgiving. We are attempting to manage one of his ladies and introducing you to the rest. Also we advise him to do the thing he is good at.