Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are a Reasonable Solution to an Unreasonable IssueS

Taylor² (Lautner and Swift) are awesome, and even Kings of Leon say so. Amy Adams: having a baby, and this too, is awesome. Naomi Campbell, Julia Roberts, and George Stephanopoulos give me 90s nostalgia. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

  • Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are being seen out and about together, and oh, come on, you know you like this. He's just not prettyboy enough to be probably gay and she's this likable Shiksa you didn't think you'd be able to like but she plays the underdog card so hard it's almost like, you know what, I believe it! And then she gave SNL the best episode they've had in forever and she makes all the other teen popettes we've had over the last few years look like vapid vampire octopus brain succubus machines so, like, we could have it so much worse with these guys being at the top of the Gossip Roundup. Jon Gosselin! Gone. Michael Lohan! Gone. Today we have these guys. Let us all be thankful the gods of pop culture have finally given us something marginally likable. [NYDN]

  • Speaking of Taylor Swift, did you ever think you'd come to the day when one of the guys from Kings of Leon were throwing down for her? These are the same guys who once recorded "Molly's Chambers." Which is about someone's vagina. Those are her chambers. Get it? [People]

  • More likable people! Amy Adams is spawning with her husband who nobody knows. Thank you People for trying to make this a bigger story than it actually is. We, the people who read and write gossip, appreciate this. Because everyone else you cover is functionally retarded. [People]

  • Naomi Campbell has problems going to Art Basel. Because she has a stalker. Why? This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about, here. Also, are models still going to things like Art Basel and pretending like they give a shit about art? 90s nostalgia like whoa. [Page Six]

  • DRUDGE SIREN ASS SHIT RIGHT HERE! Miley Cyrus has a tattoo. It says "Just breathe." Because sometimes she forgets. Literally. [NYDN]

  • Oliver Stone thinks he played Cupid to Shia LaBeouf and his Wall Street 2 co-star, Carey Mulligan. Well, two things here: (1) Shia LaDouche is no longer Shia LaDouche because he's dating Carey Mulligan, who, for the most part, seems like a relatively down lady, but (2) Oliver Stone's way of playing Cupid? Who wouldn't fall in love under the spell of horse-sized 8-Balls? Exactly. Eh, more power to the happy couple. Hopefully they won't end up like a real Wall Street couple and hate each other and become profoundly affected by the sight of the ocean, at which they try to figure out who in their life they would like to throw into it. [Page Six]

  • Julia Roberts is the face of Lancome. Back to that Naomi Campbell at Art Basel article, what year is it aain when Julia Roberts is doing makeup campaigns? This is a weird, weird morning already, and it's not even noon. [NYDN]

  • Wait, so, okay: Rihanna shows up to a club alone and leaves alone. While she's there, her and her girlfriends dance in the VIP area, they don't let any guys get near them, they go to the bathroom together, they get drunk on champers and vodka, and then they leave, while the most popular one amongst them (RiRi) leaves alone. This makes them different than most of a certain clubgoing strata how? It doesn't. Anyway, I hope Rihanna comes out with a good song soon because I don't like talking about her and not having a good song to sing in my head when I talk about her and "Umbrella" and "Run This Town" are kinda old at this point. [Page Six]

  • Oh, also, Chris Brown says Rihanna cried when she heard his song about what an asshole he isn't anymore. She probably cried because he's still trying to attach his press line to her. And because she has to remember dating that assface every time he talks. Rihanna! She's just like every girl in America with an assface ex-boyfriend. [NYDN]

  • Sports Illustrated's Centaursman of the Year, A-Rod, and Sports Illustrated's Most Magical Vagina of the Year, Kate Hudson, are going to the Dominican Republic for Jay-Z's birthday party. They're going to play Pin The Tail on Dame Dash and do that thing in the Big Pimpin' video where they throw bottles of Grey Goose around on everyone except this time Beyonce's going to give Hov this disapproving look like, Oprah's here, behave yourself and Jay-Z's gonna be like, B, I love you, but pause? It's my birthday, and she'll be like, fine, and Jay will shower a bottle of Goose on Oprah. Awesome. Meanwhile, A-Rod will be galloping about with the other Centaurs of the Dominican Republic while Kate Hudson does whatever the wives of centaurs do when their men are out homoerotically cavorting with other half-man-half-horse-peoples. [Page Six]

  • Page Six headline: "Jen's Night Out Has Sour Ending." Let me guess: she went to bed as Jennifer Aniston? OH COME ON TOO MEAN. You're right. But whatever happened, she didn't get laid, and do you really want to read about that? [Page Si....oh, god, I just started reading. She went out with Courtney Cox to a Self Magazine event. And she got served with legal papers in a basket of flowers as she'll have to testify in a sexual harassment lawsuit for her agent. Her life just sucks sometimes, right? [Page Six]

  • Anne Hathaway was blown away by Cate Blanchett in "A Streetcar Named Desire," which is currently playing at BAM. Anne Hathaway got tickets, Anne Hathaway, I hate you. [Page Six]

  • George Stephanopoulos and his beard are house-hunting for the new Good Morning America host's house. On the Upper East Side. I know it's so 1998 to still think George Snuffuluffugus is gay but (A) so is looking for a place on the Upper East Side and (B) I do and (C) I'm feeling nostalgic today, so here's some Collective Soul. [Page Six]

Happy Birthday, Jay-Z, even though your birthday was yesterday but apparently your party is tonight. Unfortunately, just like the rest of the world, there will be days when you wake up and the Fat Boys break up and everyone will have a problem with Hov, and you know what? Dirt off the shoulder. Dude, you're 40. Maybe time to start a family, have some kids, induct them into the Roc-La-Familia. Maybe even bring creepy Uncle Dame back into the fold. You can even forgive Beans if he watches the kids. Beans and Freeway! They'll laugh at his funny beard. Anyway. You think Taylor and Taylor will ever go by TayTay? Jay-Z's best friend's name is TyTy. Maybe they can all be friends and talk about how much this Gossip Roundup sucked. Happy Birthday, Jiggaman. Oh, and by the way: the crooks who I first got my blogging start with, Young Manhattanite, who, long story short, have their tentacles (or testicles) in everything you read on the internet, are taking over Deadspin for the day. This includes such people as this site's Former Gawker Mascot Andrew Krucoff, former Idolator (and one-off Gawker Weekend columnist) Maura Johnston, and a few others you might recognize. Do it if you dare.

Hov, this jam's to you:

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]