America's New Politics: Dildos, Mistresses, and Sex Hotlines for Uninsured ChildrenS

Florida Governor Charlie Christs: having parents of uninsured children call sex hotlines. Montana Senators: nominated mistresses to be U.S. Attorneys. Republicans running for the New Jersey's state legislature: campaigning for The Dildo Party. Today's politics are for dicks and pussies.

Charlie Christ's favorite number? 1-900-Mix-A-Lot, and shake that healthy (uninsured) butt, baby with back scoliosis. Parents using Florida's toll-free KidCare line to get health insurance from the state for their otherwise uninsured kids for $15-$20 a month got an even better surprise than the KidCare program when they rang.

People calling the governor's office heard an on-hold recording of Crist promoting the toll-free Florida KidCare line. Except two numbers were transposed. Anyone calling the number Crist gave out was told to call another number. The recording on that one begins, "Hey there sexy guys" and says the caller can have a more graphic conversation with a woman for $2.99 a minute.

36-24-36? Only if she's 5"3 with a bad cough, a fear of needles, and a Cookie Monster onesie. Nice work, Florida. To recover, they've made the KidCare website as fully operational as you'd think a government program giving away basically free health insurance should be:

America's New Politics: Dildos, Mistresses, and Sex Hotlines for Uninsured ChildrenS

Meanwhile, if your side-game, Lady Daisy Dukes, starts to go cold? Get her hot again, pops!

VoodooMagik dick enlargement? Snake oil.
Viagra? Old hat, short-lived.
Money? Traditionally uncreative.

So what to do when your mistress goes all Hunnybunny or starts to blueball the Old Boy? Power. Or political office. Yeah, give 'er one of those, or so thought Sen. Max Baucus in Montana, who decided he needed to spice things up with the lady via a U.S. Attorney nomination who—although he argues to the contrary—obviously home-wrecked on him and his wife.

The Montana Democrat nominated Melodee Hanes, who was Baucus' state office director, and three others to the post in March, spokesman Tyler Matsdorf said. The two began having an affair in the summer of 2008, Matsdorf said.

Gentlemen, if your mom hasn't told you to take note of women with first names suspiciously suffixed with "ee" instead of the traditional "y" (ex. "Stacee, Daisee, Casee, Ashlee, Katee, etc), well, I will: they have ambitions to appear stupider than the average person to possibly elicit sympathy so you will nominate them from their Buffalo Shrimp-slinging origins to one day be a U.S. Attorney. Not that there's anything wrong with Hooters, or Buffalo Shrimp, or creative names. But failure to disclose nepotism in the form of an affair in the form of a U.S. Attorney nomination? For every stupid action, there is an equally stupid reaction: thanks, Alberto Gonzales, for the gift of Marcus Baucus. Thankfully, Melody Melodee removed her name from the nomination. She now works for the Justice Department.

At least one lady's got it right, and of all people, she's a Republican from New Jersey. Local politics, the great foundation of our democracy is filled with figurative dildos: people who are tools of other people just looking to either (A) stick it to someone else or (B) get themselves off. So why not just run with it all the way? Stepfanie Velez-Gentry makes a living hosting sex-toy parties.

As the owner of Nookie Parties, she organizes gatherings for women and couples in which she sells sex toys, lotions, games, lingerie and other erotic items. "It's kind of like a Tupperware party, but with adult novelties," the 29-year-old mother of two said. Velez-Gentry said she started the company in 2007 as a way to help support her family in a tough economy.

Industrious, smart, a family woman? I'd vote for her. All the American people are looking for is a little honesty, you know? As much as it seems like we enjoy getting fucked, taking it in the voting booth is, while a time honored American tradition, ever so uncomfortable.