Wow. A fourth mistress: out of the woodwork, claiming to have slept with Tiger Woods. The number of opportunities to make bad golf jokes is extraordinary. Let's try to resist the temptation as we count up Tiger's many strokes.
Tiger Woods, you've got eight problems the rest of us don't. At least, it looks like
nine. For now.
1. Rachel Uchitel, The Original.
2. Jaimee Grubbs, The Tool Academy Alumni.
3. Kalika Moquin. The One Who Won't Rat.
4. Jamie Jungers, The Fan's Fiancee.
5. Cori Rist. The "Butter" Lover.
6. Mindy Lawton. The "Rag Doll" Neighbor.
7. Holly Sampson, The Porn Star.
8. The Unnamed British TV Host.
9. The Unnamed Fourth Vegas Vixen.
10. The Unnamed Orlando Cocktail Waitress
It's really that difficult to keep track of the women Tiger Woods has managed to sleep with. I have no idea how he did it. I can't wait until we find out he staffed this kind of thing out. Same with his wife, and the people who're busy at least trying—however successfully, or not—to pay these women to keep quiet. As for Tiger, it's hard not to wonder how he's doing right now. Did he bring this upon himself? Sure. But, you know, the guy was clean as a bleached sink. And now, this is just more irrefutable proof that, come on, nobody is. Also, he liked to get laid. A lot. By many different women. That weren't his wife. So! Golf's going to have to deal with it and who knows how they'll do it because, you know, it's golf, they don't get scandals. They have racist assholes. That's it. But now, they've got trouble. The reputation of professional golf was always at the mercy of Tiger's balls, but it now appears to be the case more than ever. And it goes without saying, but Tiger is having the worst month of his life. So: let's tally this one up.
Mistress #1: Rachel Uchitel, The Original. VIP Hostess. Getting Paid Off. Rachel Uchitel, the first woman to be outed as a mistress of Tiger Woods' hasn't had a good week. Uchitel was an working at a bank through 2001, but became a VIP nightlife hostess a few years later after her fiancee, Andy O'Grady, was killed in the attack on the Twin Towers. It was in her career as a hostess that she met Woods through. Today, the family of her ex-husband told the New York Post that she wasn't the same woman their son married. Also, they're dredging up her family history, and it's not pretty: drug abuse, neglect, etc. Uchitel was going to hold a press conference, which was canceled, probably because a check is being drawn up with her name on the left and a few zeroes somewhere to the right of it. The number's been guessed to be somewhere in the range of $1 to $3M, and if you get it right, you get the satisfaction of being able to correctly guess how much money one of Tiger Woods' mistresses is being paid to be quiet.
Mistress #2: Jaimee "Grub Street" Grubbs, The Tool Academy Alumni. Wants TV Money. Semi-Nude Pictures. Waitress. Grubbs was, yes, on VH1's Tool Academy at one point. She came out after Uchitel, noting that she had texts and a message from Tiger to expect a call from his wife. Semi-nude pictures are out there. She wants to be on TV, obviously. She's being repped by a PR agency right now. She said her and Tiger had sex over 20 times. She gave up some of her messages, which included charmers like
"I will wear you out…when was the last time you got (bleeped)?"
Presumably that "bleeped" meant "fucked," unless Tiger was talking about his insane ability to "lunch" someone "harder than they've ever been (lunched) before." Anyway.
Mistress #3: Kalika "Who?" Moquin. VIP Nightlife marketing manager. The One Who Won't Rat. Nobody really knows anything about Kalika Moquin's relationship because she's not really talking to anyone about it. She was quoted by Life & Style: "It's not appropriate for me to comment one way or the other. At this time, I'm just choosing to focus on my job." That said, she's pretty popular in Vegas among nightlife circles. The most interesting details that are emerging from what little we know about Moquin's story is that Tiger often expressed his discontent with his home life to her. Here, be her MySpace friend. From an interview with Moquin:
What do you think are the most important elements a nightclub should have to help ensure it's customers get their money's worth? KM: Customer service...I think today people choose the club they want to go to based on where they feel most comfortable. People want to walk into a club and be treated like a rock star. When you know a customer by name and offer them amazing service they will remember that and return again and again.
Mistress #4, Jamie Jungers, The Fan's Fiancee. The Two Year Itch. The Second Jamie. Vegas "Model." Storyseller. Jamie Jungers claims to have had a two-year affair with Tiger Woods. Jamie's either really, really smart or really, really stupid because she's had the least problems throwing her hands up in the air and taking whatever money for her story will come her way, which in this case, turned out to be the UK's Sunday Mirror. Jamie was partying in Vegas—at this point: obviously—when Tiger sent over a VIP rep over for her. Lo and beyhold, Tiger closed the deal. They went back to his hotel room for "passionate sex." And her fiancee was a huge fan, and she basically threw it in his face without telling him. Gross:
Jamie herself was cheating on her fiancé, businessman Derek Schmidt. Derek, 28, a golf fan who used to idolise Woods, said: "I was a massive Tiger fan. I had Tiger Woods memorabilia all over my house and even collected Tiger Woods videos. "On the night Jamie met him for the first time, I had just bought the new Tiger Woods computer game. The following morning she told me she had met Tiger Woods and he gave her his number – and like an idiot I got really excited about it.
Well, naturally, they split up. Tiger's affair with Jungers carried on. And then, this happened.
Mistress #5: Cori Rist. The "Butter" Lover. According to a three-byline report from the New York Daily News (led by one half of Boris and Natasha-esque NYDN gossip team Rush & Molloy, George Rush), Tiger Woods met Cori Rist at a celebrity-frequented Manhattan club, the infamous Butter. They also do a decent Restaurant Week special. As the story goes, Woods and Rist met last year and have been hooking up since. Woods would book large hotel suites to have his Rist Trysts in, as well as the adjacent room, so Rist wouldn't be seen going into his room. Rist has thus far declined to comment.
Mistress #6: Mindy "Rag Doll" Lawton. The Perkins Waitress. The One He Did In The Church Parking Lot. The Literal Homewrecker. Lawton already spoke to British rag News of the World, and you can watch her tell her story here. She met Tiger-style when he'd come after golf with his posse at a Perkins. You ever been to a Perkins? It's a long way from Butter (see: Mistress #5). Tiger used to order egg-white omlettes and eventually he ordered a side of Crazy Tail, Yo when he invited her to a local lounge called The Blue Martini, and got it: in a church parking lot, in the shower, in the living room, wherever, but yeah: in the house he shared with his preggers wife. She talked about how great the sex was, how she looked like a "rag doll" when they were finished. Bang bang, people:
"He wanted to spank me and loved pulling my hair as we had sex. He also liked me to talk dirty to him, but hair-pulling was what really turned him on."
Also, he enjoyed it when she wore red panties because that was his mom's favorite color (?!) and, uh, yeah: he met her at Perkins. This is like the golf-themed porno version of It Could Happen To You.
Mistress Number 7: Holly Sampson. The Porn Star. The Non-Denier. Not much is known about how Tiger met or bedded Holly Sampson, as the Daily Mail only made reference to her and the New York Daily News noted that she "didn't deny" shtupping Tiger. But guess what she looks like, everyone! Blonde! Big boobs! Like every back nine Tiger's been working on, basically. So it's probably accurate. Though it's worth noting that if Tiger's working on his swing(ing dick) with a porn star, Mindy Lawton's claim that he's Decent with the D might now hold more weight over Jamie Grubbs assertion that he's not that great in the sack. Or maybe he was just tired of The Vegas Thing. And by "thing" I mean "vagina."
The Other Three. Yeah, three more. One woman in a life is more than enough for most guys. Tiger obviously has different needs. Maybe there really is something about putting balls in holes all day and fishing them out of traps and accidentally getting them wet, and having someone carry around the bag of long rods you use to hit the balls into the holes with hard slams or quiet taps while you control your breathing, arch your back a certain way, and try not to get anything in your line of vision. Like the sun. Or your wife, as the case may be. Yeah, three more. There's a British TV host, and two others:
A SEX-HUNGRY "cougar" - US slang for a maneating older women - in her 40s. He and the wealthy single mum met in a Florida bar - and would romp in his office. A "TRAILER TRASH" neighbour in his hometown of Orlando. Two PARTY GIRLS he met up with on nights out in Las Vegas. A Sin City nightspot insider said: "Both are sexy and work on the club scene."
God. Damn. I'm exhausted just blogging about this nonsense. Tiger actually had sex with all of them. Why only three, though? We know one of those two party girls is Jamie Jungers, who just sold her story. So, yeah: Three more to go. But at this point, it's just completely, totally obvious: Tiger Woods is a nymphomaniac. The guy needs to get his fuck on. It's a compulsion. Probably an addiction. He wouldn't be the first.
Update: Since we opened up the dossier, two more have come out, bringing the number of outed Tiger Tails to six: Mindy Lawton spoke to News of the World, and the New York Daily news got Cori Rist, who's declining to comment. Mindy Lawton, we're assuming, is the "TRAILER TRASH neighbour" and Cori Rist doesn't fit into the other two descriptions (one more Vegas nightlife hostess, a British TV host). So: two more to go, for now.
Update 2: According to TMZ, we have another mystery girl on our hands, an Orlando cocktail waitress that Tiger met in 2004 when he was engaged. How do we know this? Well, she may not be talking or revealing her identity, but she has retained lawyer Michael O'Quinn who is talking on her behalf. What sort of mystery girl hires a lawyer to go to the media and talk for her? That's just asking for it. O'Quinn says his client was 20 when she met Tiger and they carried on an affair for two years. Her biggest claim is that Tiger said his marriage was "only for publicity."
A few more notes:
Tiger might be a Tabby in the sack. Yeah. Says Showbiz Spy: Jaimee Grubbs—the MENSA-level genius from Tool Academy—reportedly also bedded George Clooney. Her quote?
"Jaimee said George was amazing but wasn't so nice about Tiger. She just kept saying he was horrible in bed."
Wouldn't that suck, to get busted having all this sex, only to find out that you're not even that great at it? Maybe she's just saying it to be mean? Then again, Sartre had a big dick and hated sex. So, you know: cruel universe, amirite?
Some would argue that the Clooney story destroys Grubbs' take on things. Mindy Lawton (Mistress #6) had a different take: he had a big wood and was great at driving down the range with it. And by "wood" I mean "dick" and by "driving down the range" I mean "having sex." Lawton called him "very well endowed" and noted that he "knows his way around the bedroom. On a scale of ten I would give him 12." Her sister said Mindy described the sessions as "extremely good." Her account of the sex is by far the most racy, and the most positive. So he's got that going for him.
The Lovedrugs. Woods reportedly took the sleeping med Ambien to get wasted before he hooked up with these women. Have you ever taken Ambien? If you follow the directions, you get in bed and it knocks you the fuck out. If you're a wacky, recreational drug user like the rest of this country, you stay up, and savor what feels like taking a warm bath in silly putty and giggle fluff for anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. You can more or less talk to anything, animate or otherwise, and you have profound revelations about incredibly stupid things that, if written down, are dangerous to your dignity if you try to process them in any way past "brainless, drug-induced rambling." Also, you basically hallucinate. So, imagine doing that, but while having sex. Sounds daunting? Well, HE IS TIGER WOODS, and so yeah, buy the ticket, take the ride (literally). But most people just ended up passed out on their couch with reruns of Fresh Prince blasting at them and a bunch of cookies crumbled under their shirts. THEY...ARE....NOT TIGER WOODS. Not that I would know any of this from first-hand experience. I just read a lot of blogs.
Money: So obviously the endgame here for so many people. He's throwing it at everyone: his mistresses and his wife. How far is it gonna go? Does it matter? Tiger was reportedly never content with the amount of money he had. So it goes. People are hard to satisfy. So will that be the Tiger Woods legacy? That people, especially the ones who have it all, are hard to satisfy? Probably not. It'll probably be about a guy who fucked around on his wife a lot. That wouldn't be entirely inaccurate.
It couldn't have been too long. Tiger got his SNL sketch. A fairly brutal skewering of exactly what's going on. Topical!
We need theme songs for all of this, so, basically: yeah. Also, this.