Somali Pirates: Ballin' Dangerously Out of ControlS

Bling Bling, go the Somali Pirates. After all, what, you think they do it because it's fun to be a pirate? Not necessarily. They're do it for the scrilla, the scratch, the cold, hard cash. And now they're getting spendy.

A parcel of land here that sold for $12,000 two years ago now costs more than $20,000. The price of a nice pair of men's shoes has gone up from $20 to $50.

The reason: pirates.

Pirates, indeed. An AP report notes that prices of goods in places Somali pirates base themselves out of are going up, as Monsoon Season ends, and Pirate Season begins. Once Somali pirates, having cashed in on being pirates, start spending all of their money, things get wild. This is where the real trouble lies. These guys are going gangster! And what's worse is how they're doing it, right?

''The use of drugs such as cannabis and the drinking of alcohol, sex and other obnoxious misconduct are now becoming common within the pirates, causing social problems,'' said Sheikh Ahmed, a mosque leader in the town of Galkayo. ''That is what is worrying us, a lot more than the risk they pose to the foreign ships and crew.''

Uh, apparently not. Even across the world, the moral majority exists to harsh your mellow and rust your pimp goblet. These guys are just trying to shine, yo. The best is that they're now buying things on hostage-credit:

Pirates don't even have to pay upfront. Those holding ships hostage that haven't yet received ransom can buy goods on credit — at elevated prices — and settle up their debts when the ransom money comes in, villagers say.

Sound familiar? Remember when bankers who were capitalizing off of the misfortune of others by buying their debt, repacking their debt, and re-selling their debt through credit ratings that were essentially lies thought they were rap stars? They'd go and get all that bottle service in the cluurb, and then retreat back to their Tribeca apartment and hang out with their wife who's been doing yoga all day and their baby who's been doing Yoga all day, and be like, word. Also, remember MC Hammer? Right, people are the same everywhere, except Hammer made a more honest living than either of the two aforementioned parties.

So, what happens with Somali Pirates spend all their cash? Let's venture a ride on the slippery-slope, for a second: cost of goods goes up while pirates lose support of the peasants who haven't joined them. Meanwhile, kids who see them want to join their ranks at a young age, because there's nothing better to do. Vessels start equipping themselves with enhanced security (read: something better than what the pirates have, which are anything from handguns to rocket launchers), or they just stop coming, because the people insuring these boats can't afford the payout every time one of them gets jacked. The Somali Pirates now either have to mobilize their "ranks" into further territories, or they just get bored and start causing trouble on land. Which will be great for everybody. Because the region doesn't have enough problems already.

But hey, at least someone's having a good time. And come on, how much different are they than us? New York Times wedding pages, inspect the deck:

Marriage has also been affected by pirates with pockets full of cash. Hundreds of cars escort the bride and groom to the reception, where the house is crammed with expensive furniture, and the bride wears expensive gold jewelry, said Shamso Ahmed, the owner of a beauty salon. Thousands of dollars are paid to brides' families as a dowry. ''Pirates do not waste time to woo women, but instead pay them a lot,'' said Sahro Mohamed. ''They did this to several girls I know.''

The Somali Pirates are coming for you too.