Ho ho ho! How can we ruin your Christmas today? I know: a public service campaign that instructs men to purchase pap smears for their special women as holiday gifts.

Nice in theory (pap smears save lives! and it's usually somebody else's bacteria-laced insertable body part that necessitates them anyway) but definitely not to be deployed by relationship amateurs, the gift of a cold speculum shoved up your cooch is CBS' idea of a PSA:

Want to do something special for your woman this Hanukah? Schedule her Pap smear. Just a schmear could save her life. Give her the gift that will light up her menorah.

In some ways, this is genius; it is hard to imagine a creepier actor, or a more gag-worthy imitation of a New Age midwife's waiting room. Must be going for the "awkward laughter" angle.

The pervy Grinch behind this PSA, Matthew Margo, explains how he came up with the campaign while eavesdropping on a pair of female diners at an Italian restaurant:

From what I could gather, the problem was that the gynecologist's instrument is refrigerated. I thought I heard the words, "Really cold spatula!" But I later learned that the gynecologist's instrument is actually called a "speculum" ...

In any case, I shuddered at the thought of a cold instrument being used for such a medical screening and hardly noticed as the waiter shaved large chunks of parmesan cheese onto my side plate.

The tool formerly known as "speculum" shall henceforth be called "large parmesan chunk spatula."

So, CBS gets an 'A' for "raising awareness," but to the handful of clueless gentlemen who will inevitably take this seriously and/or think they're so funny and/or want to do their girlfriends' vaginas a holiday favor: You have to be really comfortable with each other to pull this off. Like, twelve times more comfortable than discussing menstrual cramps. If you've helped her identify and treat a yeast infection or popped ingrown hairs on each others' mucous membranes, you might be getting there. And whatever you do, do not buy a pap smear for your mother, daughter, sister, or anyone else related to you in a familial way, which is enough to put you on the sex offender list in 12 states and the Mariana Islands.

Let us conclude, now, with a single terrible image that resembles a robotic duck-billed bird-monster when not in use.

When Santa Gives You a Pap SmearS

[NYDN] [FutureMediaChange]