Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

Boobs! Cars! Explosions! Knife play! Freed from the shackles of overbearing mass-market necessities like "plot," Bay indulges the very poetry of his soul in this ad for expensive panties. Watch it, then read an exclusive transcript of his internal monologue.

Apparently Bay has been directing Vicky's ads for years, but nobody really cared until he showed the world Megan Fox's tits, and then she called him a Nazi. Anyway, here's the video:

And here's a director's cut featuring Michael Bay's commentary:

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

But soft! What naked, starving nymph approaches on yon deserted horizon?

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

Doutzen Kroes on a motorcycle. BONER.

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

Leather gloves remind me of sadomasochism. Cars and helicopters remind me of BONER.

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

Fuck yeah, she's coming out of a car. Right after I come on her face!

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

There is only one penis in the room right now, and it belongs to me.

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

If I freeze the frame just right, think I can make it look like the pole goes up her butt?

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

Holy jizwad, Batman! It is Alessandra Ambrosio tied up, a visual poem on the eroticism of restraint, the paradox of seizing control by giving in to one's vulnerability, while parting one's lips, sexily.

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

I love seeing bitches almost die.

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

TIME FOR AN EXPLOSION YEAAAHHH

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad, as Subtle as a Raging Teenage Boner

I love seeing bitches cry.