Hero Government Slays Poison Hamster Toy Warning, Saving Christmas

The Communist plot to destroy Christmas here—in America—by terrifying our children with reports of deadly poison residing upon the noses of beloved Zhu Zhu Pet "Mr. Squiggles" has been foiled. Parents, recommence buying plush hamster toys at once.

"The Consumer Product Safety Commission confirmed today that the popular Zhu Zhu toy is not out of compliance with the antimony or other heavy-metal limits of the new U.S. mandatory toy standard," agency spokesman Scott Wolfson said.

Antimony? Get thee behind American commerce, Satan.