Upper East Side Smut Castle Ruined by Uptight Hedge FunderS

The Brooks Brothers-clad financistas are going to ruin everything that is awesome in Manhattan, including Penthouse founder Bob Guccione's Upper East Side den of sin. New owner Philip Falcone is going to renovate and remove all the awesomest details.

Upper East Side Smut Castle Ruined by Uptight Hedge Funder

According to Curbed, Falcone, the Harbinger Capital hedge fund guru, sent his 10-man team before the Landmarks Commission yesterday to get approval for his plans, which they quickly gave. Aside from updating the facade of the 27-room estate at 14-16 E 67th Street—which Falcone bought from financially-strapped Guccione's creditors for $49 million in 2008—he is also going to cover the fourth-floor courtyard, update the rear facade, create a new backyard with a swimming pool, and get rid of legendary indoor swimming pool. Well, you probably can still catch an STD from the thing, so maybe that's a wise idea. But what about the sauna? And the "dance room?"

Falcone's plans call for a full reboot of the property inside and out, so we can probably kiss them goodbye. He's already auctioned off some of the kookiest interior details, like columns with Guccione's face carved in them and fire panels featuring a woman with five pairs of tits. Everything else will be erased for some granite-counter-top, Eames-chair, beige-walled brand of stale luxury. This isn't evolution, it's just conformity.

Update: Falcone emailed to say: "How is the "Castle" ruined? We happen to be returning the integrity to the building. Check out the photos from the 1800's and maybe you will understand." When asked if he had the pictures for us to post, he responded, "Not yet but when you see the result and compare to the 1890's, you will be surprised. The place inside was an absolute mess. And no, we are not putting a pool outside in the courtyard." He didn't respond to further requests about plans for the house.