Casey Johnson and Tila Tequila to Achieve World's Messiest Marital BlissS

The worst meltdown of Casey Johnson's life coincides with a career high for Tila Tequila, a mysterious flower bouquet arrives at the Woods residence, and Liza Minnelli settles a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard. Thursday gossip, voila.

  • Q: How insane is alleged used vibrator criminal Casey Johnson? A: She and Tila Tequila just got "engaged." Tila—who once dated Casey ex Courtenay Semel—showed off "a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby. My baby is a billionaire! She's the heiress of Johnson and Johnson," then the pair made out for the cameras and Tila showed her boobs. Sometimes I look at pictures of these women, and they're like little girls playing dress up and making up fairy tales, and it's cute. Other times I remember that Casey has a daughter, and I feel like an accessory to a horrible crime. [P6]

  • Is Amy Winehouse back with Blake Incarcerated? They might have had a 36-hour love-in in Sheffield. But Amy's dad Mitch says it isn't true. (Which is actually evidence it might have. He's always wrong.) [ShowBizSpy] [ShowBizSpy]

  • Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley are pissed at Page Six for saying daughter Alexa Ray's alleged suicide attempt was the result of a mother-daughter tiff. Alexa's hospitalization came "while suffering a devastating heartbreak." That's right, blame it on the boyfriend. [AP]

  • Nicky Hilton's stolen computer does not—she repeats does not—have a sex tape on it. That's Paris' thing, not hers. [TMZ]

  • "I can be up and down like a yo-yo," said unstable singing homebody Susan Boyle. "I can be depressed." In an interview the Sun she describes the "psychological bullying" of her youth. To demonstrate that show biz is no different than middle school, the Sun pairs this article about SuBo's mental health struggles with an unflattering crazy lady picture. [fig.1] [Sun]

  • A mysterious bouquet of roses appeared at the Woods home last night, and they were for Tiger. [fig.2] No word on who sent them, but you'd think there'd be zillions of bouquets arriving right about now, from aspirational quasi-hookers for Tiger, and aspirational modelizers for Elin. Apparently this was the only one. [TMZ]

  • Liza Minnelli has settled a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard, proving once and for all that Whitney Houston's movie was false. The guard accused Liza of "drunkenly battered him and forced him to bed her," according to NYDN, which fails to explain how on earth Liza kept this from the press for so long. Apparently Soumayah earned $238K to protect Minnelli, and endured physical and sexual abuse to keep his job. [NYDN]

  • Jake Gyllenhaal is going to propose to Reese Witherspoon over the holidays. This sounds about right, because there was that break-up rumor a couple weeks ago, and if I have learned anything from rom coms and the Longoria-Parker romance, it's that there is always a period of disarray and heartache right before the handsome man drops to one knee and tells the lady he just can't live without her. [PopEater]

  • Lindsay Lohan's philanthropic trip to India has "over 40 children saved so far... within one day's work." The girl is a child-saving savant. [P6]

  • When LiLo gets back from India, she'll have Gucci model Adam Senn waiting for her, says the Daily News. Senn is also a restaurateur, character on The City, and possessor of savvy gossip-leaking skills, because concocting this rumor while Linds is in India means she's probably too busy to deny it. [NYDN]

  • Tom Brady ex Bridget Moynahan wishes Tom and Gisele's new baby boy "the best." She also wishes everyone would forget she dated him, because she is sick to death of having her headshots next to Gisele's in gossip columns. [fig.3] [NYDN]

Figure 1.

Casey Johnson and Tila Tequila to Achieve World's Messiest Marital Bliss













Figure 2.

Casey Johnson and Tila Tequila to Achieve World's Messiest Marital BlissS













Figure 3.

Casey Johnson and Tila Tequila to Achieve World's Messiest Marital BlissS