Pregnant Kardashian gets creepy, a judge makes it illegal for Jon Gosselin to perv on bikini girls, and Tiger Woods paid tens of thousands to get down with a Playboy model. Friday's gossip is about messed up families.

  • Kourtney Kardashian plans to breastfeed for five years, something about not liking to cook? If her pregnant lingerie photos [fig.1] are any indication, this could be dangerous. The only thing worse than people who breastfeed kindergartners is people who breastfeed kindergartners in public. [ShowBizSpy] [Us]
  • Hollywood madam Michelle Braun says Tiger paid as much as $60,000 for kinky sex and threeways. One favorite was Playboy model Loredana Jolie. [fig.2] He liked "college-cutie, girls-next-door," would "shower them with gifts," and "could go for days. The girls would talk about his stamina." [NYDN]
  • Now that niche goddess Natalie Portman has won over sci-fi nerds (via Star Wars), hipsters (via Garden State), and comic book geeks (via V for Vendetta), she's ready to go after the critical teenage necrophiliac base with starring and production roles in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. [Variety]
  • Nene and Kim Zolciak want too much money for the upcoming season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, so Bravo's looking for new blood. Usher's wife is a possibility, but everyone else on the cast "said that they'd walk" because they hate her—which should make her a shoo-in. [NYDN]
  • Tiger Woods got an order to block British publications from reproducing nude photos and videos of him. Thank god America doesn't allow that, or entire industries would go out of business. [TMZ]
  • Mischa Barton is drinking again. She was spotted "knocking back shots and drinking margaritas" at Mexican Radio this week, but, "She looked healthy and in control." Bo-ring. [P6]
  • Jon Gosselin was a no-show at a court hearing yesterday, so he automatically lost a legal battle against TLC over his endorsements. The man-god whose seed is responsible for Kate's brood of eight will no longer be permitted to do appearances at sleazy Vegas bikini parties with his shirt unbuttoned to his waist. [fig.3] Thank god. (Unfortunately, there is a chance TLC doesn't actually care what Jon does, and is only doing this to squeeze him until he signs release forms so the Plus 8 can be TV stars again.) [AP]
  • Polanski is still trying to get out of his prison time without ever showing up in L.A. court. At this point, he's probably created far more stress and anguish for himself with all this dodging, than if he'd shown up and served the stupid sentence in the first place. Like pulling off a band-aid, Roman. Take a deep breath and just do it. [ReliableSource]
  • Final item of Woodsinalia: Tiger might be quitting golf. Elin Nordegren reportedly told him "It's golf... or me." Apparently she blames his serial cheating on golf, and apparently he's so desperate to keep his marriage and family together, he's considering it. [Sun]

Figure 1. & 2.

Figure 3.