Lil' Wayne's Real Estate Agent deserves sainthood. TV parents are popping out "A Milli" kids a minute. Kourtney Kardashain is America's Best Mom-To-Be. Katy Parry brings one home to Dad. Let the beat build! Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:
- Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be Lil' Wayne's real estate agent? Thank you, Page Six:
"Once we got there, a member of Wayne's posse opened the door to the overwhelming smell of marijuana. Two hot, rap-video-looking girls were walking around in nothing but a bra and underwear, blasting hip-hop. We just went in and looked around and tried not to stare." Our source continued that Wayne, who also has a $3.1 million condo in the Murano Grande building and wasn't present during their tour, is actually a very neat tenant. "He had a perfectly organized closet of crisp T-shirts on hangers, neatly stacked piles of XXL magazine, and a fully stocked bar featuring multiple bottles of Hennessy Black."
- DOCK-TAH Cahh-tahhh would like to sell you his house at his convenience, thank you. Also, I'm glad he keeps his XXL's "neatly stacked" and everything nice and sparkly. The OutKast School of Housekeeping never fails. [Page Six]
- Kourtney Kardashian—who is famous for having a sister with a large ass and a sex tape—is dumb. How dumb is Kourtney Kardashian? Well, funny you should ask! Kourtney Kardashian (1) thought her water was breaking when it wasn't (2) thought she could breast feed her kid for five years, (3) thinks this baby will solve all problems between her and her baby's daddy, who her family absolutely can't stand. This will not end well for all three parties involved. That said, Kourtney Kardashian will make, if anything, a hysterical mother. Also, this:
Meanwhile, in a trailer for the fourth season of E!'s "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," Khloe slaps Scott Disick and accuses him of impregnating her sister on purpose so she wouldn't leave him.
- Is it bad that I kind of want to watch? [NYDN]
- Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are looking at houses together after not being together for so long. Don't be mistaken: Hollywood couples love lives move faster because they have more money. Bradley Cooper seems like a decent type, though. Trenchant observations, here. [Page Six]
- Those psycho TLC stars with 18 kids that managed to keep their rugrats in line—unlike that other, weak sauce family with lots of rugrats—pop out more kids than Lil' Weezy pops bottles. Number 19, ba-blaw! Won't be long before they're up to A Milli. [NYDN]
- Ha, one of those dicks from CSI: Miami got his motorcycle tires slashed by his ex for cheating on her. Whoops. By the way, slashing motorcycle tires is probably much more difficult than it sounds. This is impressive. OH! It's Eddie Cibrian. He's dating LeAnn "Busta Bust" Rimes. I have no idea how I know this off the top of my head. [NYDN]
- Katy Perry posted a sexxxy picture of herself on Twitter. She's posing in a Santa Hat and a rope light. By the way, significant others dressing up in Sexxxy "Santa" Costumes: underrated or overrated fetish? I think a little underrated: there's something pretty classic about it, especially if you're Jewish, but also, let the record show, not an entirely risque role-playing thing either. That said, if Russell Brand got Katy Perry to dress up as a Sexxxy Obscure Reindeer—like Blitzen!—with the saddle and everything, and take a picture and put it on Twitter, then I'd be impressed. Oh, speaking of which: Katy Perry (who is, in fact, dating Russel Brand) introduced her parents to him. Imagine bringing Russell Brand home to your parents. Katy Perry probably has enough trouble bringing Russell Brand home without him trying to fuck the dog (literally). Either way, it apparently went well, and this sentence is wonderful: "Perry's dad, Keith Hudson, reportedly gave Brand a copy of his book, 'The Cry,' about accepting God, while the British actor handed him a copy of his autobiography, "My Booky Wook.'" Heh. "Booky." [NYDN]
- So, there's a new Emily Blunt movie out, and there was a screening at Norwood, which is on 14th Street right next to Norwood, which is kinda like SoHo Club but not. Anyway! Apparently, Rachel Uchitel lives right by Norwood, so all these paps who were there for the screening were also waiting for Rachel to get home so they could say hi. She didn't. But there are two hysterical things about this item: 1, the title ("Rachel poops Emily's party"), because nobody takes the term "party pooper" past the context and into the act, which sounds, well, scatological. Ewwwwwwwww. The second, this: "Earlier in the evening, one inebriated moviegoer slipped into the screening at the Regal Union Square and moaned through a good part of the film before he was thrown out by security." That good, huh? [Page Six]
- Axl Rose beat the shit out of someone again. Or tried to? I don't know, it's like: you see a headline with Axl Rose beating somebody up, you're actually expected to read more? The only reason an item about Axl Rose beating anybody up is worth anything is because "Paradise City" is still, as far as rock songs go, fairly impressive. Besides that, it's like, who cares? Do you ever think about this? That the only celebrity cachet Axl Rose carries anymore is based on albums that came out in, like, 1993? [NYDN]
- Nicole Richie posted "silly" pictures of her and the Good Charlotte guy she's married to with their kids. Like we needed proof that they breed, and like we need it shoved in our face. Berries of Razz, indeed. [NYDN]
- Items about Tom Brady and Gisele and the New England Patriots QB4, the new Tom Brady Kid, are funny. Because they only serve to remind everyone that Boston sucks so bad, they live in the West Village. We gotta get those two out to Brooklyn. Wouldn't it be great if they moved to Park Slope? Win-Win-Win situation: Park Slope would hate it, Boston fans would hate it, West Village real estate holders (the most annoying in New York) would hate it. [Page Six]
- Brangelina are doing just fine, say the pictures of Angelina Jolie inviting Cassius Clay into the Bedroom with Brangelina at the UNICEF ball. [NYDN]
- Gay people like Gov. Paterson, apparently, because he was at a club with some for some benefit and they didn't stone him. Page Six Politics! Comin' atcha! [Page Six]
- Former Hugh Hefner teething toy Kendra Wilkinson have named the baby of Hank Baskett and her, Hank Baskett IV. At press time (blogging time) I could not determine whether "IV" is the correct Roman count for this kid. But it's a question to be had. [NYDN]
- Meanwhille, another former Hefner chew toy is dating the guy from Good Charlotte that looks like a pug. Also, these Good Charlotte guys just get everywhere! That band absolutely sucked. I'm sorry, they did. How do all these stupid-hot girls like them?! I'm writing for a blog, whatever, I obviously don't understand this. But please, someone, tell me, is my incredulity that misplaced, here? [NYDN]
- Obama campaign manager David Plouffe wants his Obama campaign memoir to beat out Sarah Palin's book for just one day. Good luck with that one. [Page Six]
For sheezy, Mr. Weezy! I'd make a bad a joke about Lil' Wayne maybe lighting a menorah last night, but come on, out with it: he probably just lit, like, five blunts. We all have different ways of celebrating the Festival of Lights! And we all have different holidays that try to compensate for the fact that Christmas is just better than the rest of them. The Jews were so fucking insecure, they had to make their holidays last eight nights. Eight! It's like opting for a big rig instead of a corvette to compensate for hving a small dick: kinda transparently overboard. But at least we get a new way to fry potatoes, so, you know, we've got that going for us.
Anyway! Did you guys see when Gabriel posted the Phoenix video earlier this week and all the commenters and bloggers freaked out and were like, OHMYGOD, you Gawkerpeople just found out about Phoenix?! UGH. Well, they all missed the joke, and to punish them, I hereby declare this weekend Indie Rock Hannukah on your asses. If you know an uppity music fan, tell them to tune in, as I explain the Nuanced Genre of Chillwave and Neon Indian and why they should ensure that Arcade Fire becomes the next NBC house band to people who could otherwise give a shit (with Richard Reed Perry being the new Max Weinberg). Starting with these guys. They're kind of obscure and I don't know, I think the lead singer's name is Zach Condon and I think they used to be in some band called Panda Bear, and I believe they're Canadian and that the guys from Grizzly Bear taught them how to play music. All these bears! And don't get us started about the whole "Wolf" thing (See: Parade/Eyes/AIDS-). I wonder if they'll play my daughter's bat mitzvah. Anyway: let's make them really popular!
[Photo via Getty Images]