A Play-By-Play of the Jersey Shore Kids' Night in Hollywood: "Fu*k UNICO!"S

The Jersey Shore crew's in Hollywood this week. The nu-celebrity's true trial—what kind of paparazzi coverage is devoted to them, and how they react to it—is here. Behold, The Harvey Levin Litmus Test: passed with flying colors.

How'd they pass?

1. They stonewalled the photographer.
2. They playfully dignified the photographer.
3. They gave the photographer an incredible quote.
4. They gave the photographer an incredible scene of drunken jackassery.
5. They left the photographer in an Escalde with tinted windows.
6. They kept the interaction under two minutes.

These six elements are essential to a perfect TMZ interaction. The Jersey Shore kids are bona fide celebrities. This is no joke, folks.

Presenting 'Jersey Shore' Yutzes Up Hollywood, Dir. Harvey Levin.

[Ed. Since the TMZ embed isn't working—or Supernatural Forces of Snookie are just breaking everything in the universe everywhere, right now—you're just going to have to either (A) use your imagination or (B) actually go to their site to watch it. Apologies.]

00:16: Snookie getting punched is astutely rendered an "unfortunate incident" by Donatello—the one with the bowstaff—who smiles while he says this.

00:24: Snookie finds herself dealing with an unfortunate bout of SnookieNoodle, wherein both gravity and the rapture of the universe catch up to her, knock her over, and send her "noodling" to the ground.

00:35: The cast of Jersey Shore are asked by their intrepid, Tavis Smiley-esque TMZ interviewer to address the situation with UNICO.

00:36: "What's UNICO?" He was probably confusing them with ATTICA.

00:39: Snookie, who may or may not be aware of UNICO's work to further the cause of Italian-Americans (though, really, she's probably confusing them with UNIQLO) offers her nuanced political dissent for the group: "Fuck UNICO!"

00:41: The TMZ cameraman impressive attempts to spout off UNICO's credentials: "It's the largest Italian-Amer...." He decides to go another route.

00:45: He tries a different route: "What do you think of the whole defamation thing?" but gets stonewalled.

00:48: BroHugs.

00:50: The TMZ guy tries one more time: "Do you think the portrayal of you guys is true? A lot of people are upset about the whole thing..."

00:55: He speaks! "Ah, come on, man, everybody knows young people make mistakes and then learn from them." The Jersey Shore cast exhibits their deft media strategy: answering a totally different question that the one asked of them while castigating the interviewer for finding himself in a glib position of inquiry.

1:00: Now the TMZ interviewer is on a roll. "In regards to being a guido," his question begins. But...

1:05: ...they laugh! They're celebrities! People in LA now understand their genus/species! This is like when Cornelius and Zara land on Earth in Escape From The Planet of the Apes, except Cornelius was played by Roddy McDowell, who'd kill himself if he had to take this role. No, literally, kill himself.

1:08: The TMZ photog is desperate! He tries to communicate with them in their native language using the SOS sign for attention: "Yo! Bro! Do you got a Cadillac sign on your side?"

1:11: The response is, naturally, fantastic. Indeed he does. A tattoo is shown. An Escalade is climbed into. And just like that, new stars are birthed from the Universe in a supernova of awesomeness.