Yes, folks, that is Alexandra Ashley Dupre. That Alexandra Ashley Dupre. Writing for that New York Post. Fill in the lede:
(A) Guess the Post got tired of horny sociopath catlady Andrea Peyser, because there's a new cat-lady in town.
(B) She knows where all the good pegs are.
(C) Journalism students, take note.
(D) Truth be told, she gives great hed.
Any of 'em work. Nieman Journalism Lab, where you at? This is revolutionary stuff. Take one of the hottest stories of a tabloid paper, and put them on staff. I can't wait until they hire "STAB BABY" to revolutionize the work Benjamin Spock once pioneered. Good to know you can fuck your way to the top of a story, and the byline, too. Normally it goes in the reverse order, and it barely makes the front section. Wonder what Post staffers think? Noted fingerbanging expert Justin Rocket Silverman, show me what you got:
Big pimpin, baby. Not literally, of course! Hell no. New York Post Drunk-In-Chief Col Allen doesn't let any goddamn criminals on his staff, no sir. They're columnists, and they've got a job to do.
So: How's the column? Well, "Meredith" from "Queens" who is "40" asks how she would know if he daughter's getting in trouble. Dupre "responds":
She is growing up, whether you like it or not. I suggest you be able to talk to her about boys, sex, alcohol and drugs, because they're around and kids do experiment. Would you rather educate her or have her getting alcohol-poisoning at a party? I'm not saying that you should condone that behavior, but you need to help her manage peer pressure and you do that not by saying "don't do any of it, it's all bad."
You know what? For advice columns and for the New York Post, it's not bad! The truth of the matter is that someone probably just talked to her and maybe let her type at a desk a little, and then wrote the thing for her. I'd be shocked if they ran this more than one week in a row—and if they did turn her into a full-fledged Post columnist, or hell, a Post reporter, which would be incredible—more power to them. Gotta admit: girl knows how to hustle (bylines). There're Columbia graduates working at vegan bakeries who can't get a paying byline in this town even after they suck balls for it. But you can't discount the work of a true professional. On that note, some questions for Ms. Dupre's column we'd like to see respectfully answered, operating under the assumption that she may one day actually write them:
1. What was it like to fuck Eliot Spitzer?
2. That's crazy that you fucked Eliot Spitzer. Did he call his dick "the steamroller" by any chance?
3. Can you describe the character of his penis using the word "circumspect," possibly?
4. What's wrong with Andrea Peyser?
5. Dirtier: Paid to fuck? Or paid to write for the Post?
6. What should I get my cousin for Hanukkah? She's 17 and hates me.
7. Bringing a girl home to the parents for the first time. What's the acceptable threshold of time?
8. Hookers on Bachelor Party nights: Do they count?
9. Are you aware of a website called Jezebel Dot Com?
10. How do you feel about filling in on Altarcations some time?
11. But no, really, did he call his penis "the steamroller"? This is vital to his next campaign.
That is all.