The two topics that have garnered us the most spittle-flecked emails lately have been Sarah Palin and Scientology. We've picked a selection of the finest, juiciest nuts so you can judge for yourself which group is more rabid.
It was, namely, these two articles - on Palin's Washington Post Op-Ed and Scientology's new crusade - that caused mouth-breathing supporters of both groups to lay down their banjos and e-meters respectively and settle down to write us/me nice emails like the ones that follow. As a side note: both groups tend towards weird or outdated email addresses. AOL seems to host more nuts than any other provider.
- DEALERDEB (his/her caps) wrote a long email. Here are some extracts:
Just like people refused to understand the Texas mindset as well as they refuse to try to understand Alaska's.
He [Obama] is a radical left winger read that Socilaist and Sarah is a Annie get yer guns kinda gal.
We do NOT need to apologize to the workld nor do we need a socialistic country. Free market and capitalism with win in the end.
- From Chris:
I am growing so very weary of you non-productive parasitic self-styled journalistas taking aim at the productive, useful members of society. All of you parasites would be naked, homeless, and starving to death if it were not for people like myself, Sarah Palin, and many hundreds of thousands of others who know how to do so much more than just sit around and pontificate. You need to get a life, or at least get a real job doing something productive, something that produces a real tangible benefit to your fellow human beings.
- Jacob wrote an email with many font colors in it. Here's the end line:
If you people (and no I don't mean Iranians, I mean ideologues who have taken the blue pill of AGW) were half as smart as you wished you were, you'd be dangerous.
As it is, you, in particular, seem to be a hack.
Notes: 1) 'AGW' means Anthropogenic [man-made] Global Warming. 2) I am not Iranian.
- Ernst had the longest email at 1603 words — about the length of a New York Times feature story. Here are some highlights:
The following is a comment to your critic of Palins op ed. I tried to insert it in your paper, but something went wrong, that's why I wrote to you directly:
I formed my final believes about the environment and climate and all that stuff when Gorbi Gorbachev was invited to become a member of California environmental organizations in the early 1990's and moved into extra provided for him, offices. And than, 'voila' a bunch of other communists joined him there and the environmentalist business took off big time, the KGB methods of persuasion really worked. Advertisements, little and big films, movies and videos showed up and the lie-express was going at full speed. Actors and a actresses started to make fools of themselves, talking about things they had no idea about or even heard of, yet they spoke with authority about it. Like Ted Danson, he tried to convince the world in the late 1980's or so unless we do something about the environment now, the world is doomed in 10 years. Yet we still breath and go on living. Nobody in his right mind wants to have his Kids play in a toxic playground, swim in a sewer cesspool or breath in toxic fumes etc., but that is not what this is all about, is it?
Yes. No. Maybe. Um, I don't know, sorry. You lost me. But whatever the case, please leave Ted Danson out of it. You can insult me all you want, but when you lay an e-finger on Ted, it's too much.
- In contrast John had the shortest email. Subject line: Idiot.
You're an idiot.
On to Scientology!
Scientology emails fall into two categories. The first are people sending messages explaining what had happened to them in dealings with the church. Several people also called up to say they'd been treated similarly.
- Mark used to work for a magazine that ran an anti-Scientology cartoon:
...we were visited by the police snub revolver-toting Eugene Ingram, head of Scientology security. He was a former LAPD officer who had been fired for running a brothel in Koreatown. I had already moved [jobs] but he came to my [new] office and asked me if I was willing to denounce my old boss and wear a wire to record his crimes. His gun was in his wasteband. I laughed in his face. He then went door to door in the building where myself and the other editors lived telling our neighbors we were "rapists and pedophiles."
The second set are from absolutely bonkers Scientologists who want to defend the religion. But can't stop speaking in jargon. They're repetitive to the point of ridiculousness, but this sums them up:
- This message, from Alan, was 1479 words. Here are some highlights:
If you like the Hell to continue on this planet, don't listen to what LRH is saying. Take it out of context, let your own imagination , make up things he is not saying. Continue committing Sins (or overts) against Scientology and your perceptions will get less and less and pretty soon you will not see the truth it is trying to bring about.
As society learns the truth of what Scientology is your way of thinking and suppressing Scientology will be exposed and Society will come up with a way of handling the insane. So if I was you I would go into Scientology clear up your overts and get straight, as Sanity will prevail on this planet, it is predicted by Anyone who is a someone. When you know who you really are "a new State of Being called "Clear" will be achieved. You will never know if you don't achieve it, sorry. Scientology is a route to achieve many states of Being above the mere level of Man. Not everyone has those goals. If it is not your goal then go do something constructive toward them and leave Scientology alone, guys like you are just making it a longer project, than it needs to be.
There you have it! If you had to be stuck in an elevator with a Scientologist or a Palinite, which would it be?