The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Since it is both the male and the female's priority to mate, it would appear that casual and transactional intercourse would run rampant among the tribe, but that is not necessarily the case. Aside from the pure pleasure of physical company, the guido takes equal amount of pleasure in complicating the path to consummation. That way when the the mutual desire is finally realized it is even more intense than just laying down with one another after a night of flirting and making out.

The search for a suitable partner is as much like a hunt as it is any other activity, and like hyenas, female lions, and rare Apollonian jellyfish, these young people hunt in packs. Teams of two are the norm, but this puts them at an unfair advantage. When one member of the team is closing in for the kill on a suitable piece of meat both the male flankmate and the female lady in waiting are forced together, even if they don't want to be. This seems like an inefficient strategy, because one member of the pair is always going to less than satisfied.


Why can't they go and find their acceptable mates solo? That would mean that hooking up is a personal and private matter. The point is not only to enjoy the physical pleasure of togetherness, but also to display ones prowess in front of his or her peers. Therefore a hookup doesn't count unless a member of the same sex is there to witness it and ensure that the selected prey is suitable. Without peer approval, there is no conjugation.

Luring a woman back to a man's den usually relies on their wit, charm, appearance, and dancing skill, but getting them into bed requires something a little more technological: the Jacuzzi. It is like a warm brew of seminal fluid—a rooftop aphrodisiac—that melts all the inhibitions of the female and gets them to behave in spectacular ways, often dictated solely by the male. The male guido is insulated from the heat and the jets of this water wizard by his layers of testosterone-induced muscle and is therefore impervious to its powers. To amplify this, he eats the magic formula of champagne and potato chips, a concoction that will slow his digestion to a point that he will be able to metabolize the strange pheromones of the hot tub efficiently. Women know that as soon as they get in the Jacuzzi that they will make out with just about anything, including each other, so they resist its pull, but once they get there, they are as easily molded as a jar full of orange Play-Doh.


Eventually, the mind-altering affects of the Jacuzzi wear off and the men have to put their genies back in their bottles waiting for the next time they can get a little rub. With all this frustration it's amazing couples are formed, and when they do, the complications are just as difficult and numerous. Let us take a closer look at both the hunt and the kill, but first, we need to learn some simple terms so that we can understand the natives in their own language.

  • Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
  • My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
  • Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
  • Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
  • Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
  • Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
  • Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
  • "Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
  • House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
  • Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
  • Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
  • The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
  • Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

"We're Going Home": The problem with needing a "bro" to witness one's hook up is that he is also witness to humiliation. While it is perfectly acceptable to look for a condom and have sex with a girl in front of a friend and her friend, it is not OK to let the girls leave without giving up their delicate ladyflowers.

That is the problem with plying your dates with the magical powers of the Jacuzzi. Once the fumes wear off, the girls are a little muddled and make up stupid excuses to leave immediately, and when one goes, she will drag the other with her. Then both boys know that neither hooked up and are then deemed less virile by their cohorts. It is a sad, sad state of affairs, and one that The Situation and DJ Paulie Disgrace fall into with two girls who they take home.

Also, ladies, the period is a great excuse to keep your virtue intact after bathing in the psychotropic waters of the Jacuzzi. Like "puke breath" and most other bodily functions, the guidos are deathly afraid of menstrual blood. Using Aunt Flo as an excuse will not get them off you of your good, it will keep them from trying to put their pierced penis into your delicate parts.

While these girls go home to avoid being taken advantage of, Snooki gets so drunk that she can't even find her home. That means she has no excuse not to hook up with a man she is not attracted to. Since she can't get back to the house, they decide to sleep on the beach, which would be romantic if it weren't for all that sand and being awoken by a trash trailer combing the sand at dawn. Nothing says classy like getting so wasted you don't remember your address.

The Grenade: A "grenade" is an ugly girl who has partnered with an attractive girl for a group hunt. While one of the males gets with the attractive girl, the other has to fall on "the grenade" and absorb the impact so that his friend can claim a victory with his girl. As Pat Benatar said, love most certainly is a battlefield.

This is the situation that DJ Paulie Discharge finds himself in when The Situation fis in a situation with a girl and her nasty friend. These two ladies are certainly a handful. After leaving club Karma with them, The Sitch and DJPD ditch the pair for another set of girls in a Mercedes, because they were cuter. However, those girls were "wasting time" and "fucking around" and wouldn't get down to "business." When the first set of girls come back, The Situation and DJ Paulie Doubleface quickly ditch the girls they're with for the original pair.

Along with The Situation's brunette beauty comes her mean blond friend, and that is a problem. This sour puss is such a cruel sort that she ruins the night, not only for DJ Paulie Doubledate, but also for The Situation. Her friend is more than willing to get get down to "business," but she doesn't want to be left alone, and she is so ugly and busted that DJ Paulie is Dunzo. Once she feels neglected, she makes her friend leave with her. The Situation's situation looks bleak. Is he ever going to score? Maybe not until he separates from the group.

Beating up the Beat: As we learned before, dancing for the guido is not just a substitute for sex, but a prelude to it, even in its more violent form of "battling." It always gets ShamWOWW into trouble.

After her boyfriend hung up on her for touching DJ Paulie's D and ended their relationship, she has been trying to get back together with him. This has not stopped her from flirting or hooking up with anyone else, but she needs to feel claimed at all times. Without a boyfriend to betray, she won't feel the the guilt, shame, and excitement that comes with cheating on him, and that is what really gets her off. But in order to keep him, she must continue to deceive him (and herself) that her she has been faithful.

This is difficult when he sends a spy. This agent is a very clever interloper who not only observes his target, but even picks up Sneaky so he can break into the group's inner circle. Once with Snickers, he watches ShamWOWW grind and battle on different men and reports back to her boyfriend. This makes him hang up on her again, possibly ending their relationship again. She is going to try to get him back, but the drama that accompanies her relationship limbo is fuel to her. It allows her unfettered access to other men and will also create more drama when and if she reconnects with her boyfriend. It is the ideal situation for the conflict vampire.

Snooki is also an accomplished dancer, but instead of being subtle, she prefers a more advertorial approach. She does flips and spins in a very short skirt and a thong, showing of the very part of the anatomy that the men in the crowd are looking to invade. It is a brazen approach, but one with proven results. The difficulty is that it only seems to attract chubby men who know more about jiggle than "juice." However, Snooki seems willing to make out with just about anyone, so she doesn't mind too much.

Fireworks: While complications do arise, often a couple is made, like Sammi So-So and Ronnie. Like a hot sword is plunged into water to cure it and make it solid, so must a new union be drowned in conflict.

Sammi is a Helen of Troy type who needs to have men fight over her. That is why at Bamboo she flirts with Mike the Cop. If Ronnie really takes her seriously, he will fight for her and get upset with her. She counters his anger by being pissed that he left with ShamWOWW. Everyone knows what a slut ShamWOWW is and going anywhere with her unaccompanied could lead to relations at any moment. However, Ronnie resisted the temptation. Once she has proven that he will fight for her and he will not be tempted by obvious skanks, Sammi must go through a period of dejection to test how he will handle her in dark times. When he sticks by her and still thinks she is special ("Oh, Ronnie?!"), he has finished the seven labors of Hercules and can now muscle his way into her Mount Olympus.

This is treacherous path that a guido must walk to love. It is full of deceit, manipulation, and trial, but it is worth it, because once he reaches the promised land, his lady love is not afraid of having sex. Other reality show girls will hide behind the covers and demure from having intercourse, but Sammi So-So is not afraid to tell the whole world she did it. Not only is she unashamed, but she celebrates it. Congratulations, Ronnie, you are the first man to "take care of business" in the house.

The Punch: Yes, this was the episode that was supposed to include the Snooki punch heard round the world. The most shocking thing about this scene was not the absence of the punch, but the presence of Vinny, a young man with very manicured eyebrows who supposedly lives in the house with everyone else. Up until this point we thought he was Laslo, the mad scientist that reportedly lives in Val Kilmer's closet in Real Genius who we never see, but comes through in the clutch.

In this case the clutch is when Snooki gets punched by a drunk asshole at a bar over an altercation concerning some shots. We have all seen this punch in promos and on countless animated gifs circling the internet, but MTV chose not to air it, instead cutting to a black screen for the impact and then showing the immediate aftermath and the man getting arrested.

Watching this scene is sort of like tonguing an empty socket after a wisdom tooth has been removed. We know what was there before and what should be there, but instead we just get some vast emptiness that is a little bit dry and foreign and just seems altogether wrong. And for MTV to pull the clip now is kind of hypocritical. They're basically saying that it was wrong to market the show with the clip in the first place. Instead of showing the punch and trying to show just how horrible and vicious violence is and the immediate negative effects it has on both parties involved, we get darkness. Now that the network fooled everyone into watch, they decide not to show it. It's kind of like a girl who will show you her tits at the bar but won't put out when you take her home. Either go tawdry all the way or don't go tawdry at all.

In guido culture though, a man hitting a girl seems to be the ultimate offense, and every man in the bar piles on the offender to get their own punches in. Even ShamWOWW, who hasn't ever met a man she couldn't eviscerate, joins in the fray.

So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."