Tonight, Glenn Beck's crazy train (or plane, per his tweet) made a stop at The Jay Leno Show for a mostly soft-hitting—albeit entertaining—interview, followed by a baking segment. Yes, really. Video of both, and some choice quotes, ahead.

Instead of a lengthy explanation of Beck's appearance, full of details and context and all of that other boring "journalistic" stuff—you'll get all that by watching the videos, anyway—we thought it best to present a little dossier of Beck's best quotes from tonight's appearance. Let the crazy commence!

First, the videos. Here's Beck's interview with Leno.


Here's the conclusion of the interview, followed by Beck and Leno making Christmas cookies.

Now, some of Beck's best (and most cray-cray) quotes from the segment, in the Dossier of Crazy.

On whether or not he's a polarizing figure: "I'm not a polarizing guy! No, I'm not. I'm not, actually. I grew up in a small town, grew up in a bakery, and now I find myself just being a dad, saying the things that I think have to be said."

On his past substance abuse issues: "Hi, my name is Glenn, and I'm a recovering alcoholic. [Woman in crowd: "Hi, Glenn!"] Thank you, keep working that Jay Leno program!"

On his political party affiliation: "I hate both of them, really, honestly. They've both betrayed the country, I think. They've both betrayed what they stood for."

On whether or not Hillary Clinton would have been his choice for President had she won the nomination: "Over John McCain? Yeah. I mean, if it was a choice, that's like, 'See, do I want to hang myself or shoot myself?'"

On who he would like to see as President: "I don't know. I haven't see anybody that I love." (Beck then said that he was "sure" that there were worthy candidates within the Tea Party and 9/12 movements.)

On whether or not Barack Obama represents the "Average guy": "I contend, no... he's not the average guy, he's the Harvard guy... there's a difference between wisdom and education."

On Santa: "He's a closet Soviet, he wears red. [Leno asks if Santa is a socialist] He wears red! He enslaves a whole race of people... gives toys away for free!"

On Leno's chin: "Your chin is from bones. Mine is from sugar cookies and lard."

On whether or not Sarah Palin should run for President: "Yeah."

Oh, Glenn. Never change.

[The Jay Leno Show]