The Wedding of Kevin Jonas and Inevitably Subsequent Sacrifice of His Virginity or "V-Card"S

Kevin Jonas got married, probably laid. Jersey Shore kids in New York. Are they loved or hated? Kate Hudson's parents love her sooooooooo much. People wants to kill Brad Pitt's spirit. SJP vs. Dress. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

  • Kevin Jonas got married on Long Island in a "Fairy Tale" wedding, but is anything on Long Island really a "Fairy Tale" anything? Need to know. Also, now he can take off that purity ring and have sex. Next: crack cocaine. While having sex. Hope he doesn't start calling his penis "Bonus Jonas." [NYDN]

  • Page Six's lead story is more Tiger Woods nonsense, but I'll save that for later, because it's all TOO MUCH. I'm tired of writing about this guy and his dick and all the magical places it went. It's not like travel writing where you want to even live vicariously through the words and pictures of places. It's just not, you know? But here's what is magical: their second-place story, an item called "Jersey Gang Wades Ashore," as if the kids from Jersey Shore are ducks, or rather, swamp creatures. Apparently, The Creature Who Goes By Snooki tipped a bathroom attendant at Marquee $0.75 after using her hairspray and is a total "diva," which, I mean, whatever, sure. Not surprising. But this made me smile!

    ...Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and DJ Pauly D flew here the other night for the network's Christmas party at the MTV building in Times Square. "They were surprisingly nice and friendly," a spy says. "People kept asking Mike to see his abs, and he'd always oblige."

    Right? That's nice to hear. Apparently, hot girls were following them around Marquee, which is also kinda funny, and nice. I think it's time to admit that America has fallen in love with these things. They're like Zhu Zhu Pets, everyone's gonna want one under the tree for Christmas. Don't let them eat all your self-tanner, though. [Page Six]

  • I guess I forgot this picture of Sarah Jessica Parker that had the genius no-holds-barred headline of "Dress Looks Stuck To SJP," and I didn't actually click on it, but christ it's as funny as you'd want it to be. [NYDN]

  • Oh GOOD LORD. There's a picture of skeevy celebrity expose writer Ian Halperin in Page Six and his fashion sense falls somewhere between Watergate-era Bob Woodward and late 90s Prince (or the Artist Formerly Known as That Symbol Formerly Known as Prince). What is that man's day like? I don't want to know. [Page Six]

  • AW. Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush & Molloy set their Moose and Squirrel sights today on Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, who are trying to help Kate Hudson get over A-Rod, but you just know that as much as everyone loves Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson has to deal with those moments where she's like "OMG Mom, STFU. Seriously. You know what that means? It means shut the fuck up. Because you're embarrassing me." and then Goldie's like "Whaaaaaaaaaat Katie? Yah father and I just want you to find a nice man who isn't a centaur, is it too much to make suggestions? Am I not allowed to love my daughta?" and Kate's like "UGH." [NYDN]

  • Harvey Weinstein once took the cast of Nine, who got along really well, apparently, to sing karaoke with him at some English pub. Unfortunately, his rousing rendition of "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida," an industry legend, went unheard. [Page Six]

  • Geraldo is going to quit Fox News if they hire old man poopypants Lou Dobbs over there. Which is a great way to get rid of Geraldo. [R & M, top item]

  • Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer each had competing holiday parties where they both footed the bill. The item sets them up like Sharks and Jets. It's kinda great. [Page Six]

  • I didn't mean to put this bullet point here but now that it's errant I kind of feel like keeping it here. So I will.

  • A CBS TV exec you've never heard of—unless you are Scott Koondel—is trying to represent himself in court against accusations that he's cheap while trying to get a reduction in "spousal support." Yes. Because the one thing you want to do to make you look not cheap is not hire a lawyer. [Page Six]

  • Madonna is going to look like a Japanese building-squishing monster if she keeps working out the way she does, so she's going to another voodoo doctor for help, or something. [R & M, last item]

  • Best sighting of the day: "Bernadette Peters looking remarkably young as she devoured hors d'oeuvres at Donna Karan's loft at the party for Trudie Styler's new "Mind Body Fitness" DVD series." DEVOURED. Three snaps for Bernadette going to town on some pigs-in-blankets. [Page Six]

  • America's Best Dance Crew judge Shane Sparks is apparently being extorted, he says. Shane Sparks is kind of a random guy to extort, no? But most of them are! Think about this. [TMZ]

  • If this turns out to be true WOW will my grandmother be happy. Jennifer Gray is rumored to be in negotiations to be on Dancing With The Stars. Dirty Dancing is G-Ma's favorite movie. RELATED, obviously. [Page Six]

  • Here's a picture of the SnookieMonster in her cheerleading days. Whee! [TMZ]

  • Brad Pitt turned 46 yesterday and PEOPLE has words for him. Not people-people, but People magazine, who feel entitled to a portion of his soul after awarding him World's Sexiest Man twelve times. They want to cut off his magical beard. [People]

Hey everyone! Sorry we're running late this morning, I'm pretty sure after going back and reading this that I have Swine Flu! Whee. So today should be fun and by fun I mean let's see how long I last in a vertical position. Altarcations is coming at you at 2:30, with a cameo in it by Will Ferrell! You won't want to miss it. Also, um...nope! That's it! Happy Sunday Morning, don't get lost in all the SNOW out there. And by SNOW I mean frozen slushy ice and not cocaine. Just for clarification.