Chris Brown Finds Salvation at a Strip Club with Strippers

Eight-six virgins descend onto Chris Brown, who we are now supposed to believe is a "gent"; Barbara Walters makes sweet love to Frank Langella; Catherine Zeta-Jones shows her tits. Monday gossip is so juicy, it will run down your chin.

  • Let's all forgive him for all wrongs, now that we know "Brown's a Gent to Strippers." You see, Chris Brown "unwittingly found himself at" a topless club, and "when 86 gorgeous girls turned up, Chris Brown, who just happened to be there, looked delighted." That is a larger quantity of comely nakeds, even, than terrorists get. Correction: A spokesperson for Brown emails: "Chris never frequented a strip club while in NYC; he was at Greenhouse which is not a topless club." That is true. He had no idea that 86 ladies from Flash Dancers would drop by. [P6]

  • Zeta-Jones has gone wild: Catherine accidentally flashed some nip during a scene in Broadway show A Little Night Music. Said one happy audience member: "I couldn't believe it. No wonder Michael Douglas looks so happy. The couple sitting next to me also saw it and poked each other." Let's pretend that pun didn't happen. [P6]

  • Early results from Brittany Murphy's medical examination following her untimely death by cardiac arrest late Sunday: Murphy's death "appears to be natural," though toxicology tests are still needed. The autopsy will occur on Monday or Tuesday. [NYP]

  • Grisly details about her final moments, however, are beginning to emerge. Apparently Murphy had "flu-like symptoms" and was vomiting before her death. Murphy also reportedly had "a lot of prescriptions in the house," perhaps due to the diabetes that her mother told paramedics Brittany had. [TMZ]

  • Noble recession warrior Stuart Weitzman will not create his annual "million dollar shoe" for the Oscars. "With so many people struggling financially, and unemployement at 10 percent, I don't think it is appropriate." Unless, of course, you are Judy Garland and surrounded by musically inclined little people, a cowardly lion, and an S&M straw man (remember the part in the book where they fill his head with pins and needles?) in which case moments of grave disaster can only be solved with sparkly shoes. [P6]

  • Page Six says triple-divorcee Barbara Walters is making sex with Frank Langella, but Babs denies: "Frank and I have been friends for many years... but it's not a romance." So, fuck buddies? Barbie, you minx. [P6]

  • While we're on the topic of hot senior citizens getting down: Meryl Streep, age 60, will "always do sex scenes," no matter how old she gets. "Yes, at this age it's unusual for somebody to do a love scene, to be making love." She then devolves into beat poetry: "Because, you know, we are still live. It's you and I, baby. It's authentic." *snap* *snap* [ShowBizSpy]

  • Best thing about Casey Johnson stories: Every one begins with a different way of saying "all the money Johnson & Johnson earned." This time it's "Baby-powder heiress Casey Johnson," who is fighting to get adopted daughter Ava back from mother Sale Johnson. Casey's alleged used vibrator victim, Jasmine Lennard, claims Casey used to ditch Ava at her house for weeks on end. Apparently Casey's Mulholland Drive manse is "like Grey Gardens" now that her trust fund's been cut off—which makes it sound a little romantic, but "dirty dishes everywhere and rotting food" is a little much, so I'll stay on Sale's side for now. [P6]

  • Peaches Geldof started a Miley Cyrus death rumor. And then Brittany Murphy died, and people got confused and it got awkward. This girl's sense of humor is a harbinger of doom. Remember the time she tweeted about how fast her friend was driving the car, and then they caused an "epic" car crash? Peaches, we hereby ban you from irony. [3AM] [Gawker]