Late December means two things—it's Christmas and television is BORING. Steven Seagal: Lawman—one of the only new episodes on TV last night—had a chance to capture the attention of a nation wrought with ennui—It didn't.

Here is Steven Seagal awkwardly painting a house in order to help a family ravaged (still!) by Hurricane Katrina. Nice gesture, but watching Steven Seagal paint a house is not great TV. No arrests, no high speed chases, no conflict whatsoever.

My eyes are getting tired...

Here's a potential juicy bit! Steven pulls over a young black male with a gun in the car. Situations like these have allowed COPS to run 4 episodes a night, 3 days a week, for 15 years. But wait, what's this? The gun is registered, not stolen, and the kid has no priors whatsoever? Oh, so they should probably just let him go, then.

I'm nodding off, waking up intermittently...

At the end of the show, there's a chance at redemption. A chance to make the viewers beg for more, hotly anticipating next week's episode. What's offered is about 6 officers responding to a call from a guy who may or may not have seen another guy walking around with a gun.

I'm in a coma.

Unfortunately, I will keep watching. This show is 4 episodes in and nothing even remotely interesting has happened other than Seagal signing his autograph for someone each episode. Is it possible that Steven Seagal patrolling the streets of New Orleans for 12 episodes will yield the equivalent of snorting baking soda and thinking it's cocaine? Is that how the producers trick to get us to continue watching? We scratch our heads, wondering if a show with such a promising premise could possibly be so dull, and subsequently tune in each week to see if Steven Seagal gives a criminal a roundhouse kick to the face. If that's their plan, they can go fuck themselves.