So, the Nigerian man detained Sunday for locking himself in Northwest Flight 253's bathroom for an hour, two days after some other Nigerian tried to blow up the same flight? Definitely not a terrorist. Just a remarkably inopportune bathroom break.
Yes, ethnic profiling was perhaps at play when armed authorities dragged the leaky-boweled gentleman off the tarmac in cuffs. But you have to admit: in the skittish aftermath of the jockstrap jihadi's attempt to blow up NWA Flight 253 during its last hour with explosive stored in his underoos, a second Nigerian needing an hour of locked-door privacy at the end of yet another NWA Flight 253 was quite the unlucky coincidence. One of the unluckiest lavatory uses of all time, maybe.
And thus, we induct Nigeria's Bad Luck Bowel Mover to the Ill-Timed Bathroom Break Hall of Fame. Come, let us marvel at its honorees! Their tragic and hilarious stories are poignant reminders of human frailty. For cultures may clash, and discontents may roil, but deep down we are all mere slaves to the bowel. Even President Bush and Tyra Banks!
(Yes, this entire post will be an extended poop joke.)
Nigeria's Bad Luck Bowel Mover
The only point of hope in Sunday's detained NWA Flight 253 passenger's story: We do not know his name. If he's lucky, the world will never find out, and he can spend the rest of his life pretending this incident never happened. The man, a Nigerian national, spent "the last hour of flight" in the bathroom, defying crew orders to exit the rest room and take his seat so the plane—which originated in Amsterdam—could land in Detroit. The Detroit Free Press reports:
The traveler in question had "spent a lengthy time in the restroom," FBI spokeswoman Sandra Berchtold said.
"This raised concerns so an alert was raised. ... The investigation shows that this was a non-serious incident and all is clear at this point," she said.
After the flight successfully landed (it is unclear whether the man was still in the restroom, or if he had finished by then) armed officers stormed the craft and took him into custody, while bomb-sniffing dogs flooded the area and scared the remaining shit out of everyone who had just spent their winter break in Amsterdam getting stoned.
George W. Bush Begs Condi to Halt U.N. So He Can Pee
At left is a note that President George W. Bush wrote to Condoleezza Rice on September 14, 2005 during a United Nations Security Council meeting. In case you can't make out his pee-pee dance chicken scratch, here's what it says:
I think I
Is this possible
Veteran Reuters photographer Rick Wilking scored the over-the-shoulder shot, and both Snopes and an initially skeptical NewsBusters confirm that the picture is, indeed, real. Here's what happened when the New York Post asked Condi about it:
The usually unflappable Rice was wide-eyed when she was shown a copy of the photo yesterday during a meeting with The Post editorial board.
"Oh, my goodness... there are no secrets," she said, laughing.
Rice explained that when Bush handed her the note, she told him all he had to do was get up and go, and that she'd take his seat while he answered nature's call.
All the Pretty Actresses Who Missed Their Awards to Piddle
In 1998 Chicago Hope's Christine Lahti missed receiving her Golden Globe because she was in the bathroom. Then, at the 2001 awards, Barry Diller—who was still a Hollywood titan back then, before he became a new media one—told Renee Zellweger it was OK for her to go to the bathroom even though her award was about to be called. "I thought, 'Well, she probably won't win.' And about a second later she did," said Barry. So he ran and got Renee while presenter Hugh Grant batted his pretty eyelashes to stall for time, and everyone had a good chuckle when she returned, and Barry the Billionaire laughed and laughed while the sad skinny starlets clung to his strong shoulders, begging for the chance to pee most anywhere to earn his approval.
Tycho Brahe and the Case of the Exploding Bladder
Eccentric Danish astronomer-nobleman Tycho Brahe was once known for paying a clairvoyant dwarf named Jepp to live under his dinner table and for wearing prosthetic noses made of precious metals after losing his real one in a duel. To the extent that he is known now, however, Tycho is known for dying of dire need to pee after a 1601 banquet in Prague with the Bohemian elites of his time. Tycho biography The Lord of Uraniborg explains:
Holding his urine longer than he was accustomed to doing, Brahe remained seated. Although he drank a bit overgenerously and felt pressure on his bladder [he told Kepler], he had less concern for the state of his health than for [the breach of] etiquette [involved in excusing himself from the table]. By the time Brahe returned home, he could no longer urinate.
After "excrutiating pain," "uninterrupted insomnia," "intestinal fever," and delirium, Brahe met his end. Some say Tycho's bladder exploded into his guts that night at the banquet and slowly killed him; others say it was a kidney stone, uremia, or mercury poisoning. The world may never know exactly how Tycho Brahe died, but exploding bladder is definitely the coolest, so in lieu of certainty, let's go with that.
The Time Fergie Wet Herself Onstage
"I had a few drinks before going on stage, but I didn't think to go to the bathroom. We were jumping around and my bladder just started, you know..." This is either (a.) heartening and suggestive of a powerful work ethic and sense of "show must go on," or (b.) disgusting and suggestive of an extraordinarily low sense of personal hygiene.
Elvis Presley's Pot Squat Overdose
The king met a humiliating end on what everyone is now obligated to call "his throne." Careless Love: The Unmaking of Elvis Presley describes how fiancee Ginger Alden discovered Elvis in a scene littered with empty syringes:
She washed and put on her makeup in her own bathroom, then knocked on Elvis' bathroom door. When there was no answer, she pushed on it and discovered him lying on the floor, his gold pajama bottoms down around his ankles, his face buried in a pool of vomit on the thick shag carpet.
Similar ends have been rumored for Lenny Bruce's heroin overdose and Evelyn Waugh's sleeping pill one. I'm not sure whether ODing makes you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, or people just coincidentally keep needing to use the toilet right after taking a lethal quantity of various drugs, but any way you look at it, inopportune in the extreme.
Canadian Prime Minister Misses G20 Group Photo
And apparently Obama laughed at him for it. Canadian PM Stephen Harper ruined last April's G20 group picture because he "chose an inopportune moment for a bathroom break." By the time he got back from relieving himself, Berlusconi and the Indonesian president had already wandered away, so they never got all twenty G's in a single frame. And, yeah, there are more than 20 people in the picture at left, but not one of them is Stephen Harper, and it was very embarrassing, OK?
The Time Tyra 'Messed Herself' at Fashion Week
Inopportune both because it was Fashion Week—the time during which aspirational entertaining industry lasses want nothing more than to seem cool and desirable—and because it was in front of blogger Fabian Basabe, who was hanging out in a hotel suite when...
a group of madmen and madwomen storm in and take possession of the suite because... ready?... Tyra Banks messed herself and needed to change. [...] Now I would like to bring to your attention that Tyra's people carried a change of clothes for her at NYC fashion week. Hmmmh... could it be that Tyra messed herself before? or just that her entourage is so organized that in case tyra would ever, maybe, possibly mess herself that one time, they have a change of clothes? I don't know... but all these thoughts were twirling in my mind when in horror I was watching such an abomination, feeling so alone in the world
Troy Muslin, Jailed for Turd Terrorism
An unemployed 18-year-old construction worker in Erie, Pennsylvania craps his pants. He gets new clothes and, in a fit of embarrassed rage flings the bag containing his poopy clothes over a barbed wire fence and onto the grounds of the Sigsbee Reservoir, which provides the region its drinking water. Troy then realizes he left his keys in the pocket of his poopy pants, so he returns to the scene to retrieve them—and discovers that a bomb squad, a hazardous waste unit, and the FBI are already on the scene, investigating an attempted a bio-terror attack on Erie's water supply. But then, the story becomes tragic: Musil is fined $5000, which he does not have. Despite the best attempt of benevolent readers of PoopReport.com to raise funds to save him, Musil ends up in jail. (While investigating the bioterror turd, authorities apparently caught Troy on a robbery, too.) As for what he's doing now, no clue, but if this Mixed Martial Arts social profile is to be believed, he has has since reclaimed his raging manhood.
Snakes on a Plane: A Most Unfortunate Bite
It always comes back to the airplane toilets, probably because they combine various innate human fears like (a.) claustrophobia (b.) fear of flying (c.) fear of getting sucked into an airplane toilet's death spiral vacuum flush. That can happen, right? Anyway, Snakes on a Plane wisely took all those fears and added fangs, snake, and castration anxiety. At least there wasn't a terrorist precedent to put this character into Nigerian Bad Luck Bowel Mover territory?