Cindy Adams Has Seen the Future, and It Is a Scary, Scary PlaceS

NY Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams had no news today because she hasn't had a scoop since the Paleozoic Era. She has resorted to asking psychics what the gossip of the future will be. The answers will shock you.

Like any good storefront psychic that litters the streets of Manhattan, the answers from her three experts—Paula Roberts, Frank Andrews, and Wendy the Psychic—include somethings that will never come to pass, some that are so general they can't help but occur, and some that are "no duh" obvious. Let's look into our very own Magic 8 Ball and see if these predictions pass muster:

  • Iraq: Moves toward peaceful land split by ethnic grouping— Please, European map-makers will never let this happen.

  • Afghanistan: Signs of victory in eight months.—Even Cindy admits that this is crazy talk.

  • California: Worst drought in decades.—That's a little bit like predicting that there will be wildfires this summer and celebrities' houses will be threatened. Too easy.

  • Chicago: February blizzards isolate city for days.—In other news, it will be warm in Florida and it will rain in Seattle. Look, we're psychic!

  • Triple Crown winner is a small, unknown bay horse.—I can't even begin to care about this.

  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes separate. It's the stress of his popularity decline.—No way, her contract has them together until at least 2014.

  • Brad and Angelina? Bad news.—But what's the bad news? That he's keeping that ugly beard?

  • Obama can do little to bolster the economy. And health care makes only a small dent in helping the needy.—Yeah, no shit. Thanks for being a downer.

  • Taylor Swift sings more suggestive lyrics, does a striptease number, writes and produces a screenplay, fights with then returns to Taylor Lautner.—The striptease number has already be choreographed for the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. As far as writing the screenplay, unless it's a remake of Britney Spears' Crossroads, we don't see it happening.

  • Beyoncé gets pregnant. Maybe twins. Also writes a children's book about grandparents.—The Beyoncé children's book was as inevitable as her clothing line, and will be just as much of an abomination.

  • Renée Zellweger marries Bradley Cooper in a secret island ceremony. Has his baby.—Wait, does that mean that Zellweger is dating a straight guy? We doubt that. Our prediction is that they break up in six months and Renée is "linked" to Zachary Quinto once she is named as the new villain in the next Star Trek movie.

  • Dustin Hoffman produces a DVD on acting and does meaningful commercials for a cause.—This prediction is just like a Cindy Adams gossip item. It's stupid, meaningless and about someone who we don't really care about at all.

  • Shia LaBeouf gets Oscar buzz, maybe even a nomination. A fistfight gives him bad p.r.—This is so true that we thought it happened already.

  • Britney Spears, whose checkbook is enlarging, steals boy-toy Jesus from Madonna. —No way. We all know that Madonna is the one into hung Latinos and Britney is into trashy white guys. Get it straight, psychic!

  • Michael Douglas exits starring roles for director/producer status.—Didn't this happen in like 1975 with One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest?

  • Kirstie Alley and Chaz (nee Chastity) Bono an item???????—Please, Great Gossip Diety, if you make this happen, we promise to stop torturing small woodland creatures and saying mean things about your oracle Cindy Adams. OK, maybe just the first one.

  • Oprah's move a failure, but she does a movie with success.—Oprah called God personally and told him that if he lets her fail that she will bring the world to an end, so we don't think this is very likely.

  • Doris Day brought to good health after visitations in dreams from late son Terry Melcher.—We hope this comes true because the only people who care about this are also the only people who actually read Cindy Adams' column.