The Double Taylor Coupling the Tabloids Demanded Has Officially Ended

When there are two beautiful teen stars both named Taylor—Swift and Lautner—the Celebrity Industrial Complex demanded they start dating. If only the Complex could successfully manage a teen girl's heart, because Swift called it the whole thing off.

Us Weekly reports that the couple is kaput because Taylor was more into Taylor than Taylor was into Taylor. Oh, sorry. Because Lautner was more into Swift than Swift was into Lautner. The saddest part is that, according to Us, the relationship ended on December 13 at Swift's birthday party in Nashvillle, just a day after Lautner made a big deal out of their relationship while hosting Saturday Night Live.

We bet the breakup talk went something like this: "Taylor. The mannequins? Creepy. We're through." And with that, a million tabloid editors wept at the loss of the million perfect Taylor/Taylor cover lines they had already concocted in their clever little brains. They had already plotted out their courtship, engagement, and wedding. Bidding had already started on the exclusive rights to the first pictures of their first child. And then there was the cheating rumors, the breakup rumors, and the gay rumors, all debunked by "sources" but still believed by the populace. But, alas, none of it would come to pass. Just ask gossip dowager Cindy Adams because the split meants at least one of her gossip dispatches from the future is already wrong.

Poor Taylor Lautner. We've got a nice warm shoulder for you to cry on—just as soon as you turn 18.