Lady Gaga L-O-V-E-S SuBo but worries about the Hairy Angel diluting her brand. Madonna messes up a Malawian orphanage. Sarandon robs the cradle. Mark Wahlberg bitches about his neighbors the Beckhams. Wednesday gossip, fresh 'n' juicy.

  • Lady Gaga is cuckoo for SuBo: "I love Susan Boyle. She is my woman of the year. She has achieved more in this year than most artists will in a lifetime." Is this the greasy-haired Alanis Morissette looks-like-a-loner (but maybe I'm just projecting) from Gaga's college years talking? [addendum A.] Our Lady of the Immaculate Mini-Penis continues: "Our styles are so different. I don't know if we could work together, but never say never. It would be great to work with somebody of that talent." If they did, though, think how viral the music video would be. [Sun]

  • Susan Sarandon was out and about the West Village with a "younger-looking fellow. Sarandon's secret split is testament to Schrödinger's celebrity principle, wherein the personal lives of celebrities do not exist until we observe and gossip them into being. This is also why substances on Amy Winehouse's upper lip do not exist unless they are cocaine, and Gaga's pants do not wrinkle unless there is a penis underneath. [Gatecrasher]

  • More horrible Michael Lohan abuse accusations from ex-girlfriend Erin Muller: He beat her with a stiletto heel and "put a lit cigarette out on her scalp." Add these to yesterday's accusations, and you've got one very ugly portrait of a torturer. [P6]

  • Vera Farmiga used a body double for Up in the Air because she had recently given birth. Now get ready for a massive TMI: "The breast milk down both sides—it would have been inappropriate." [P6]

  • Posh and Becks ruined Mark Wahlberg's neighborhood: "It used to be so quiet on my road. Then David moves in with his family. Suddenly we've got paparazzi hanging out day and night." Marky Mark's not telling Beckham to leave, "I'm just not sure why he came to America in the first place." Backhanded brimstone blasts boisterous Becks. [Gatecrasher]

  • Now that The Tyra Banks Show is over, crew members are talking. "She really is a diva," said one employee, who credited Bankable Studio's "high turnover rate" to Tyra. "She and the higher-ups on the production staff could be extremely brutal." Now, this definitely seems within the realm of possibility, but one cranky crew member does not exactly a monster boss make. Anyone want to corroborate or deny? [Gatecrasher]

  • Ryan Seacrest was in "holiday-gifting spirit"—or was drunk—at John Legend's birthday party, where he sent a $1000 bottle of Dom Perignon to Legend and left a $5000 tip. How does that even work? You just write "5000" in the line marked "tip" on the receipt? Or does something special happen, like confetti and streamers, or the manufacture of a novelty super-sized check? [P6]

  • Madonna is ruining Malawi: Apparently the orphanage that she adopted Mercy James from is having fundraising issues because "they are under the impression Madonna paid us vast amounts of her money." She did not, said the orphanage director, who notes he wouldn't take her money any way because she practices Kabbalah and/or is a Jew. How did nobody ask a follow up question at that point? [Mirror]

  • Kate Moss' post-Christmas hangover caused her to miss an airplane and spiraled into £20,000-worth of successive missed flights and other non-refundable problems. [3AM]

  • Katy Perry and Russell Brand went to India and posed in front of the Taj Mahal. [fig.1] Nice to see pop stars getting some culture. [Hello]

  • Addendum A.

    Figure 1.
    Gaga Considers Susan Boyle Duet, Using 'Different Styles' as Euphemism for 'Too Ugly'