Skilled chefs in Hollywood, some of them gay, some of them foreign. High-end, demanding clients, most of them assholes. When the two worlds collide, it sounds like the recipe for success, right? Maybe!

Here's the premise: The show follows around a company called Big City Chefs, which specializes in private catering. And guess what, all of their employees can not only cook, but they are just like, totally crazy. Not like your office. Your office just thinks it's fun and unique and wacky. Just because Linda from accounts receivable got drunk and sang karaoke on the bar during the holiday party does not make your office unique. These guys put your stupid office to shame. Does your company have enough zany characters and conflict to have a television show? Yeah, didn't think so. Well this one doesn't really, either. But still! It's on TV somehow!

Big City Chefs has three different events this week, all of EXTREME IMPORTANCE. The first being a super special event for this rich, obnoxious woman's miserable bitch of a daughter's homecoming. Why a bunch of teenagers would want to eat a catered dinner instead of going to Chili's or Macaroni Grill or one of those all you can eat Brazilian meat places is beyond me. And wouldn't you know it, there's some conflict between the chefs right off the bat. Brian, who can only be described as the Queen of Cuisine, wants to serve some crazy fucking salad with fruit and olives to sixteen-year-olds, as well as some chips that he likens to crack. Jesse, the other chef paired with Brian, hates the idea.


And doesn't Jesse seem a bit too comfortable on camera? Doesn't he also look a teensy bit familiar? Well that's because this isn't Jesse's first scripted reality TV rodeo. He was ALSO a personal trainer on Bravo's Work Out. So there, now you can stop thinking "where do I know him from?"

So anyway, they cook this girl (who belongs on My Super Sweet 16) and her friends a mediocre meal, and nothing exciting happens at all. Except that they hate the salad.


The second client they must cater for wants to re-enact his honeymoon dinner with his wife. He also wants to take credit for the chef's cooking, pretending that he made it himself. He is also a gigantic, gaping asshole. I'm sure the producers told him to lay it on thick, but YEESH. It seems like it isn't even a stretch for him to be the world's foremost expert on being an intolerable human being.

When his wife comes home and surprises the chefs, they need to hide, and quick! His wife also must be a high-functioning retard to think that her husband cooked the meal as there are two hiding chefs and a full camera crew in her kitchen.

If only she saw them and immediately maced everyone. Now that's good watchin'!

The last chefs are cooking for a bachelorette party. One of the chefs, Stewie, fucked up his mousse and they had to feed the women boxed brownies. At least they're getting what they paid for! Then the women asked Stewie, who also happens to be good looking, to take off his clothes. He did not. Way to hold onto your dignity, Stew.

After watching this, one thing is clear. Food Network should do what they do best and leave the scripted reality television to the experts: Bravo. It's easy to see that the show simply isn't as compelling as what Bravo churns out on a nightly basis. The food cooked on the show was pedestrian. The characters: boring. The conflict: not at all compelling. Maybe the people in your office are crazier. I apologize.