A Treasury of Terrifying Hyperbole by Dick CheneyS

America's most hated political figure, former Vice President Dick Cheney, has inserted himself into the news again. He said something about Obama, and terror. That has been a wonderful 2009 trend, reporting on what Cheney mumbles.

Cheney should not be taken seriously by anyone. We should, as sensible adults, all agree on that. He is a known liar. He orchestrated the hiring of the most disastrously incompetent and venal members of the administration. Just about every illegal and simply idiotic thing the Bush administration did, besides perhaps their response to Hurricane Katrina, is directly his fault. He sunk that presidency. He has no credibility. You cannot assert that Iraq has nukes and that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were gay for each other over and over and over again and then be taken seriously on matters of national security, because those assertions were known to be false at the time.

Actually, correction: you can assert those things and still be taken seriously, because there is a newspaper called Politico, and their job is to report literally everything Dick Cheney says as if it is news. And then they get a link, from Drudge, and people talk about it, as if a serious and respected man, and not a living joke, had serious things to say.

Today, or yesterday, whatever, Cheney got mad that Barack Obama didn't respond to a failed terrorist attack on an airplane by invading Iran.

[W]e are at war and when President Obama pretends we aren't, it makes us less safe," Cheney said in a statement to POLITICO. "Why doesn't he want to admit we're at war? It doesn't fit with the view of the world he brought with him to the Oval Office. It doesn't fit with what seems to be the goal of his presidency - social transformation - the restructuring of American society."

What the fuck does that mean? Anyone? This "pretending we're not at war" thing is certainly news to us, and to the tens of thousands of troops on their way to fix Dick Cheney's mess in Afghanistan!

Instead of sputtering in rage at this latest thing, let us instead compose a listicle of the other terrible things this lizard person has said in this miserable year 2009. Conveniently, his every utterance was reported on by that newspaper we mentioned, The Politico, and for their crimes we will not link to a single fucking one.

  • 1/7/09: Cheney reports that he is actually "a warm, lovable sort." And: "The notion that somehow I was pulling strings or making presidential-level decisions. I was not."
  • 1/22/09: Scooter Libby "was the victim of a serious miscarriage of justice, and I strongly believe that he deserved a presidential pardon."
  • 2/4/09: "When we get people who are more concerned about reading the rights to an Al Qaeda terrorist than they are with protecting the United States against people who are absolutely committed to do anything they can to kill Americans, then I worry." Guantanamo is "first-class" and "necessary." Releasing anyone from Guantanamo will lead to a catastrophic nuclear or biological weapon attack on the US.
  • 3/15/09: Invading Iraq "was absolutely the right thing to do and I think when history reviews this period 10 or 20 years hence, what will be significant was that we did, in fact, accomplish what we set out to do." Also we won that war, hooray! Obama has made Americans less safe. On the recession: "I don't think you can blame the Bush administration for the creation of those circumstances. It's a global financial problem." It was actually Barney Frank and Chris Dodd's fault. Scooter Libby was "an innocent man who deserves a pardon."
  • 4/21/09: President Obama's handshake with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez "was not helpful" and could lead "foes" of the U.S. to "think they're dealing with a weak president." Release of torture memos "a little bit disturbing" (I'll fucking say!) because they did not release the memos that show "the success of the effort." Cheney attempted to declassify memos that showed "the success" of torturing and killing people who may or may not have even been terrorists, as well as memos showing how successful it was that we tortured terrorists after already obtaining intelligence from them via regular interrogations, but those magical memos did not exist, just some other memos that didn't really say anything.
  • 5/7/09: "Enhanced interrogations" (that means "torture," which is illegal) were used only in "special circumstances." "It would be a mistake for [the GOP] to moderate."
  • 5/10/09: On Colin Powell: "I didn't know he was still a Republican." Also: "there was nothing devious or deceitful or dishonest or illegal about what was done."
  • 5/12/09: Cheney likes Jeb Bush and would support him for president. "I don't think we should just roll over when the new administration accuses us of using torture. I don't believe it was torture." Also "I don't pay a lot of attention to what the critics say, obviously."
  • 5/12/09: No one is doing anything to stop Iran from getting nukes, and Europe totally wants them to have nukes, basically, because they hate America, so we should probably bomb Iran. "We fail to recognize the fact that we're alone out there in terms of trying to achieve the objective of forcing the Iranians to give up their nuclear weapons."
  • 5/21/09: In a speech scheduled against a speech by the actual, elected president, Cheney said torture "prevented the violent death of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of innocent people." Also Abu Ghraib was the fault of "a few sadistic guards." All the people in Gitmo and secret CIA prisons are "ruthless enemies of this country" (let us pause for one moment to observe that particularly breathtaking lie). Also a reference to "dictators like Saddam Hussein with known ties to Mideast terrorists." What does that mean, hm?
  • 6/2/09: Intelligence gathering is "more an art form than a science." Also, breaking: "On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9/11, there was never any evidence to prove that."
  • 6/3/09: Bush "decided that he did not want to be the one who pulled the plug [on GM] just before he left office."
  • 8/22/09: The Bush administration was working on a secret plan to end the Afghanistan war when Obama took office. Now Obama is "dithering," which is bad for the troops.
  • 8/25/09: Naming a prosecutor to look into violations of the law during Bush-era interrogations casts "doubts about this administration's ability to be responsible for our nation's security." "The people involved deserve our gratitude."
  • 8/30/09: Investigating violations of the law is "an outrageous political act." "I wasn't a fan of his when he got elected, and my views haven't changed any."
  • 12/1/09: Obama's "agonizing" over what to do in Afghanistan will kill our soldiers and make the Taliban win. "Cheney was asked if he thinks the Bush administration bears any responsibility for the disintegration of Afghanistan because of the attention and resources that were diverted to Iraq. 'I basically don't,' he replied without elaborating." Obama is "far more radical than I expected." "Here's a guy without much experience, who campaigned against much of what we put in place ... and who now travels around the world apologizing." Trying Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is "great" for al Qaeda.