On December 31 everyone is thinking about ways to improve themselves for the coming year. Why bother? That will all be forgotten by February 12, and then you'll still have problems and be a failure. But we're here to help!
Most New Year's resolutions are fairly common, so we found replacements for all the basics. They're fun, easy, and you'll be a whole lot better off following our advice than trying to lose the same five pounds that you've been trying to starve off your frame since Dick Cheney first started to terrorize the nation with his fat face and iron fist. Follow these easy steps and you won't be a better person in 2010, but you will feel better when you don't have to throw in the towel.
Who Tries This: Fatties, single women, everyone
Why It Will Fail: We live in a fat world with McDonalds on every corner, high calorie lattes in every cup, and trans fats leaping out at you from every aisle. Also, you have no will power.
Alternative: Get on The Biggest Loser. Gorge on all your favorite fatty foods and get big as a house. As long as you have a personality just as big, NBC will cast you. Then you'll get fame, fortune, and a trainer to help you lose all the weight. It's perfect!
Who Tries This: Writers, masochists, cancer patients
Why It Will Fail: Just face it, the tobacco companies and their poisonous chemicals are stronger than you. Also, smoking is cool, glamorous, and fun. They even do it in the movies!
Alternative: Get one of those electronic cigarettes. That way you can tell people you're not smoking for real but still get the nicotine you love. No nasty fits or cravings. And you can "smoke" inside. Score.
Find a New Job
Who Tries This: The unemployed, the underemployed, freelancers, people who hate their bosses, journalists
Why It Will Fail: It's the economy, stupid. The only Job you're gonna find is that dude in the Bible. That and you still have "career objective" on your resume. It's time to stop with that, because everyone knows, like a fat slut at last call, you'll take anything at this point.
Alternative: Find a great way to defraud unemployment. If you can get a free check from the government and not have to do anything, then good on you. All the cool, creative people aren't working anyway, so you'll have some hip cats to go to the movies with on a Wednesday afternoon and have the theater to yourself! Just make sure you find a way to stay out of jail.
Go to the Gym More Often
Who Tries This: Skinny guys, guidos, the gays
Why It Will Fail: Lifting weights and running on a treadmill is hard. Cruising the steam room is easy. And if you're getting laid at the gym, why do you even need to bother improving your body?
Alternative: Open a bathhouse. New York sure could use some new ones, and this way you can get free admission, get off, and make tons of money at the same time. And, if you're a closeted guido, you have a great excuse for why you're spending all that time in a towel.
Spend More Time with the Family
Who Tries This: Working mothers, business men, middle managers, people who don't watch Mad Men
Why It Will Fail: Because all of the people who aren't reading this (and half of those who are) are trying to take your job. If you're not putting in 60 hours a week at the office these days you are expendable. So stop whining about missing soccer practice and get back to work, slacker.
Alternative: Redecorate your office. With all the time you're spending there, you can at least make it nice. We suggest putting in a doggie bed under your desk. It's perfect for naps/crying in the fetal position.
Who Tries This: Idiots
Why It Will Fail: Because it's a stupid idea. The economy is crumbling, the planet is collapsing, and the world as we know it could end at any second. Drink up, butter cup. It's the only thing that will get you through.
Alternative: Find a cure for cirrhosis of the liver. That way, you'll never have to quit drinking and humanity will be saved. We'll even buy you a shot when you find the cure.
Who Tries This: Girls, gay bloggers who want a rich husband so they can retire
Why It Will Fail: We don't want to get all He's Not That Into You, but you're not that desirable. And nothing kills a man's wood like desperation. Not even nude pictures of Kathie Lee Gifford.
Alternative: Become a lesbian. Ladies, you can have all the love and companionship you're looking for, but with another old maid. It's perfect! You can talk about feelings all you want, and you don't have to worry about how you dress or what you look like as long as your cats get along with her cats. Of course, if you're gay, you won't ever be able to get married, but there are worse things, right? Like dying straight and alone.
Who Tries This: Pseudo intellectuals, former English majors, poors who don't have cable
Why It Will Fail: Reading is hard and boring and puts you to sleep. Just wait until the first time you're at a cocktail party and you start off a conversation with, "I've been reading The Luzhin Defense..." people will head to the door faster than in a train car with a fart in it.
Alternative: Become a reality show expert. All it takes is some spare time, determination, and a DVR. And everyone talks about reality shows. You'll be a huge hit whenever you go out. Well, if you can tear yourself away from the TV long enough to reenter society.
Get out of Debt
Who Tries This: Suburbanites, socialites, mediaites
Why It Will Fail: This involves scrimping and saving and denying yourselves all the material pleasures in life. That sounds boring. Nobody even works or has money anymore. Even all the rich people who made money off Madoff are poor now. It's almost cool to have a mountain of debt.
Alternative: Cure the gold crisis. We're not sure if you're aware, but gold is poisoning our country and you should turn all of yours in and get some cash for it. In fact, it's your patriotic duty! And don't you dare use the money you get from your old fillings and grandma's ring to pay off your credit cards. Fuel the economy by spending on a nice new pair of shoes. It's for America!