DYING. No, seriously. Okay: Street Carnage impresario Gavin McInnes told his blogger he'd piss in Corn Flakes and eat them if he won our Hipster of the Decade contest. He lost. So...why's he pissing in Corn Flakes and eating them?
And when he's not making viral videos for TEVA, he's running Street Carnage, which is basically VICE, but with videos of their bloggers being punched in the face by Asian girls and far dirtier dick jokes. Like this one.
Gavin said Gawker's "Hipster of the Decade" thing was "gay" until Carles began creaming him in votes. This morning "gay" became, "That's irritating. Carles isn't even an actual guy. He's just an insecure pube being sarcastic all the time. It's pretentious and a waste of time. You have to sit there trying to guess if he's kidding or not - whoever ‘he' is." I told him he'd have to provide an incentive for people to vote and he said, "I don't know. I'll piss in a bowl of Corn Flakes and eat it." I reduced this flippant sentence into a serious contract that says he will fill a bowl of Corn Flakes full of piss and eat it. This is irrevocable and comes fully guaranteed.
By now you may have realized I am a fucking genius and managed to make a guy drink his own piss for nothing. You see, I know Gavin never checks his email when he's upstate and I know he'd never bother going to Gawker to check out the results. With this knowledge in hand, I walked over to Photoshop and made me a "screen grab" that flipped Carles (the winner by a mile) with my boss. He sees the pic, says "Fuck" and gets to pissing without verifying a thing.
Now, the "genius" of Gavin McInnes is not to be underestimated. McInnes may well have checked this site before digging into a bowl of his own piss, or Arv—smart blogger that he is, writing posts about getting punched in the face and all, many of which I've clicked on many times—might've had this thing set up as a great boon for traffic the entire time. Which it absolutely is.
But because it's the first day of 2010, I'm going to give Arv the benefit of the doubt, and color this genius. Also, 'authentic altbros' never check their email, obviously. And if I had a boss who I both wanted to and was able to strong-arm and convince them that pissing in their own Corn Flakes and eating them was a good idea, I would at least think about it.
But at the end of the day, doing this requires a boss who isn't completely opposed to eating his own piss for money, which definitely chips away at McInnnes' "cool" credibility. Which is "ironic." Bro.
[Ed. Also, of note for those who watched: his penis shaking technique. Old people have to coax it out? Or was he trying to "rub himself into a boner" as one editorial staffer here observed? Maybe he has prostate issues. Hopefully not.]
Update: I was wrong! Those little fuckers at Street Carnage. It looks like—from the comments section on the post—that they pulled old Street Carnage footage out from one of Gavin's skits of DVDs (maybe) and (maybe) Gavin posted it as Arv. Or maybe Arv just wanted the whole world to think he got his boss to cash in on a bet. Which is still funny as hell. But they (maybe) fooled some of their own writers, too! Drew Grant—MediaElites writer and Street Carnage's 'Dear Drew' columnist—thinks it's real. Who knows? All I know is that I watched Gavin McInnes piss in a bowl of Corn Flakes and eat them, and 2010's off to a great start. So it doesn't really matter either way.