Rush Describes the Miracle of His Immaculate Heart Attack, Says He's Not on DrugsS

Mere hours after we asked whether Rush's hospitalization means he's hitting the pill bottle again, an energetic Limbaugh took to the small screen to announce that he is healthy as an ox, and no, he is not high on Oxy.

Equal parts personal odyssey, anti-health reform soap box, and pro-heart health PSA, Rush's presser showed the tough old mule back in fighting form:

After partaking "the best health care the world has to offer... right here in the United States of America," Rushbo said that a battery of tests following what sounded like a heart attack showed "absolutely nothing wrong. No arterial disease, no coronary disease. The pain was real, and they don't know what caused it." He adds, "I wish I knew what it was. All people can do is make wild guesses." Why, thank you, Rush, don't mind if I do:

  • Years of prescription drug abuse depeleting his general health and leading to arrhythmia of the heart
  • So desperate to get drugs he faked a heart attack
  • Karma
  • Turns out being angry for a living takes a toll on the ol' cardiopulmonary system
  • The fervent hopes, wishes, and prayers of all of liberal America (and some conservatives)
  • Conspiracy theory: It was an O.D., and the whole heart attack thing is a sham. Notice how the doctor never specifically says "No, Rush did not O.D."? That's so she won't break her oaths and tell a lie, because he is lying, and pulling her in.

Though Rush said he'd take no questions because, "if you asked questions I know you'd ask questions about things I don't want to answer in this setting" (at least he's honest?) one intrepid journalist shouted a question about earlier reports that Limbaugh was taking pain medications again, for his back. Limbaugh laughed:

No. Prednisone.

And voila, Rush lives and will probably be yakking up a storm on his radio show, again, in no time flat.