Ten Ideas for Bono and his New York Times Op-Ed on Ten World-Changing Ideas

"Another fucking Bono op-ed," a tipster astutely notes! The U2 frontman has Ten Ideas to Change the World, and they're in the Times' Op-Ed section "in the spirit of rock star excess." So how 'bout ten ideas to change Bono?

1. Stop writing Op-Eds. Don't be one of those people, Bono.

2. Stop licensing your songs out. Especially "One." You have enough money and we still like some of them.

3. Stop it with the lasers. You don't need lasers. "Ultraviolet" is awesome enough without them.

4. Save the drama for your concerts. Yes, like you say, it would be nice if Nelson Mandela came out to drop the first ball on the line at the World Cup or whatever. But

If he shows up, the world will weep with joy.

isn't entirely necessary.

5. You have enough money to figure out how to follow through with some of these ideas. So do it. Especially the one about making cars more like iPods, which, besides being awesome-sounding, is certainly on the right track. And about getting rotavirus vaccinations to everyone in Africa. This requires money, which you have, and can get out of your rich friends. Do it.

6. Take a difficult position. Balls out, Bono. Noting that there are bad places like "North Korea, Myanmar" in the world who need their Gandhis is nice, sure. But what about Iran? And why not take a stance on Israel-Palestine? Geopolitical conflicts that need opinions now more than ever, as they're constantly on the cusp of either solution or total chaos. You can only spread the good will for world peace for so long before the message starts to become rhetoric in and of itself.

7. Stop looking in the past. Especially like this:

Dr. Anton Zeilinger, an Austrian physicist, is becoming a rock star of science for his work in quantum teleportation, which I know very little about but which I think I may have achieved backstage one night in Berlin in the early 1990s.

Unless it's in regards to recording another Achtung, Baby. While we're at it, don't ever—ever—count in Spanish again. Ever.

8. If you're going to write an Op-Ed, write it for the Las Vegas Sun. Do I think it's ridiculous that you have an Op-Ed page in the New York Times? For fuck's sake, absolutely. But do I think it'll get some people who didn't read the New York Times yesterday to read it today? Yes. That's not a terrible thing. Hell, write for the Las Vegas Sun. They won the Pulitzer Prize for Public Service Journalism this year and had to lay off the editor who oversaw the reporting on the prize-winning piece. If you can't, get The Edge to do it. What's he doing right now, eating bananas? Call his ass.

9. Get new sunglasses. Do it for the Children. We're okay with them because we're just used to you but I can imagine you're scaring the children by looking like the future model of SkyNet Terminators. And the children are our future. I'm serious. A pair of Clubmasters would do you just fine.

10. Stop it with the Jesus complex. Are you Bono? Yes. Are you Jesus? No. Your intentions are excellent and at least 60% of your music catalog is still indisputably great. But if you were to play the whole "Bono Thing" a little more low key, tipsters and I might not laugh every time you talk about changing the world like it's the pop culture punchline it is—regardless of the excellent work you've already done!—if you keep on delivering it to everyone year after year.