The John Mayer Digital Cleanse: A Definitive Guide

So! John Mayer's on a roll these days. The Celebrity-Industrial Complex investigative blogger and expert on date-rapey sounding quotes is now suggesting to his minions that they embark on a one-week digital cleanse. And we're here to help.

And by "help," I mean, belligerently rip away and fuck up through the power of sheer Google SEO black magkik! Look at what he's trying to do to us! That bastard:

Guidelines:

*email only from laptop or desktop computers

*cell phones can only be used to make calls, and no text messages or e-mails are allowed - if you receive a text, you must reply in voice over the phone. E-mails must be returned from a laptop or desktop computer.

*no use of Twitter or any other social networking site - this includes reading as well as posting.

*no visiting of any entertainment or gossip sites. (No need to detail which ones - you know what they are.)

The John Mayer Digital Cleanse: A Definitive Guide

Emphasis mine! John Mayer is taking this "Battle Studies" shit seriously.

So: While I believe we're in the business of news but John Mayer may think we're in the business of entertainment or gossip which we also maybe sometimes do dabble in! Either way, we don't say, Wanna make your life better? Turn off your John Mayer records for a week and watch House!, do we? No, and not just because our readers would tell us to stick it up our asses (like yours should!), even though they wouldn't, because for some reason, some of them don't like your music. I WONDER WHY. Personally, I thought Continuum was surprisingly underrated.

But now that you're trying to take food out of my dustbunnies' mouths, John Mayer, I've already used the old advertising trick of pre-publishing posts with a nice awesome headline so we can work our way to the top of a Google search for "John Mayer Digital Cleanse." Hopefully, lots of people will email it to other people who are on this cleanse or who're trying to resist the temptation of ASSISTING THE ECONOMY by making moneys move and they will give into temptation and READ THIS WEBSITE.

Actually, there's no real problem with leaving behind gossip websites or Twitter for a little bit, but a world that can't grasp the concept of moderation, that's obsessed with this idea of purification through extremism, that's bad stuff. And so are Rock Stars becoming Brand Lifestyles.

But it'd be disingenuous if we didn't at least post something true to that wonderful headline. So! For all of John Mayer's readers who made it here and are finally off (or want to start) that cleanse, the best way to do it is this:

Step 1: Don't Do It.

Step 2: You're done!

Congratulations! Don't you feel pure!