A 72-year-old man decries his last chance to be baller. An update on Paris Hilton's sex life involves swine. Another posthumous Jacko release, and it's terrible. Tiger gives Elin $300M, and she laughs in his face. Monday gossip cometh.

  • You know it's a bad sex number estimate when it begins "Using simple arithmetic..." Author Peter Biskin claimed his Warren Beatty biography was authorized, but blew his cover by using "simple arithmetic" to guess a ludicrous sex number: "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on." Using simple arithmetic, this is more sex than those who frequented New York City's glory holes in Chelsea's heyday, and even if the young Beatty was totally baller, that's pushing it. I don't think he's even had a prostitution scandal—and if he did, there still aren't enough hookers in all the Emperor's Clubs in the world, not even if you count Rachel Uchitel. So it's no wonder Beatty's lawyer gave a statement to HuffPo announcing that the guy has no idea what "authorized" means. [People] [HuffPo]
  • Lindsay Lohan's bikini: Still soldiering on in St. Bart's. She must be the only human who wears high heels with swimsuits when in repose. [fig.1] [3AM]
  • Another posthumous Michael Jackson release: Another Day was apparently a Jacko-Lenny Kravitz duet in progress, and it's atrocious. It does sound like Jacko's voice, though. [TMZ]

  • Matthew McConaughey is a father again, and announced on his website: "Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named 'Vida Albes McConaughey'." He put the kid's name in quotation marks, not me. [Dlisted]
  • NYDN says Tiger Woods is trying to buy Elin back. Apparently Tiger left "a cool $300 million in her Christmas stocking," but Elin just laughed and laughed. According to various internet calculations, this is roughly half of what he earned during the years they were together; the pair have been married since 2004, and Tiger didn't pass the $100M annual earnings mark until 2007. So, if true, the $300M stocking stuffer would be a pretty significant gesture: He wants her, divorce settlement and alimony are beside the point. [NYDN] [GolfFanhouse] [YahooSports]
  • But! Tiger may be back in New York, partying with "20 bottles of vodka and 15 cases of Red Bull" with a "leggy blonde" at the Trump International Hotel, but TMZ thinks the sighting was false. Also, 20 bottles of vodka is a lot for secret party that only one person saw. [TMZ]
  • Rihanna has a book scheduled for June. Entitled Rihanna: The Last Girl on Earth, it'll be a photo-heavy art book co-authored by Rated R tour creative director Simon Hedwood. It will be 144 pages and will cost $38. [Gatecrasher] l [Amazon]
  • Hugh Jackman ate a Magnolia cupcake. The humor inherent to a male action star eating a cupcake is a double standard we should enjoy. [Gatecrasher]
  • Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt are still having sex, despite sharing a bed with mini potbelly Princess Piglette, whose name I have also seen spelled Pigolette, which reminds me of Pigoletto, a Muppet Show special featuring Italian swine courtiers and Beverly Sills' sterling soprano. [P6]

  • Old NYPD kickback: Mafia money. New NYPD kickback: Awesome seats for Jennifer Lopez's NYE Times Square concert. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly was there to monitor every stray jiggle of J.Lo's catsuit-clad booty, thank you very much. [P6]
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones speaks flawless French. Is it not enough that this lady is already among humanity's finest female specimens? Now she has to be more cultured the rest of us, too? Next, Angelina Jolie will solve Fermat's Last Theorem and Scarlett Johansson will cure cancer. [P6]

Figure 1.