Even though you had the week between Christmas and New Year's off doesn't mean celebs stopped living their lives and the world stopped reporting on it. Here is a catch-up for all you missed while away from the Internet.
So, while you were laying on the couch and watching The 100 Most Romantic Movie Moments of the Decade for the second time and ignoring all the important celebrity news, it was happening all around you. Now that you're back to surveying all the internet for the latest dirt on your favorite stars, here is what you need to know to stay up to date, because if you don't know that Britney went brunette again, then you are nothing.
- Lindsay Lohan did absolutely nothing except shop and walk around in next to nothing. But now she's dating Gucci model Adam Senn. He has a penis, which means she is no longer a lesbian—for now. Her father continued to be like a pesky fly swirling around the ass end of the gossip universe, but he managed to do absolutely nothing, either, except issue empty statements. These are they days of our lives.
- So, Charlie Sheen beat up his wife Brooke Mueller on Christmas Day. She called 911 and got a restraining order, but then wanted it dropped because she wanted him back so they could work on their relationship. Oh, love!
- Sorry to report, but the Tiger Woods scandal did not end during your hibernation. AT&T dropped his endorsement deal. Tiger was supposedly in New York for New Year's hanging out with trashy blond chicks. His wife Elin was hanging out in France, and laughing at his $300 million offer to come back. That's our girl!
- Someone trashed Jon Gosselin's apartment. It was either his ex Hailey Glassman or Jon himself looking for a bit of attention. We don't really care who, except that we do.
- Tyra Banks is pulling the plug on her talk show. Conventional wisdom is that she did it to be more like Oprah. We think it's because she's a shitty boss and no one wanted to work for her anymore.
- One of the Jonas Brothers got married and now they might be breaking up. This is like Yoko Ono all over again, except we promise not to pay too much attention to any of them until they are all 18. It's safer that way.
- A-Rod broke up with Kate Hudson, possibly because he still wants to bone Madonna. Kate retreated to Aspen to cry on her mommy Goldie Hawn's shoulder, which is the only remaining part of her body that is not made of plastic. Still Kate may be stalking A-Rod. We continue to think she has been needlessly thrust upon us.
- Warren Beatty had sex with 173 billion women according to a new book. Yawn. We want to know how many men he had sex with. It's gotta be at least one. Hello, this guy was big in the '70s. They experimented!
- Everyone said that Kim Kardashian was getting paid $10,000 to tweet about products. Then she said that is bullshit.
- Ivana Trump simultaneously rescued herself from obscurity and became our new hero by yelling at a bunch of annoying children on a flight.