Vanity Fair's new Tiger Woods cover story doesn't have a Tiger interview, and its Tiger beefcake photos are all of pre-scandal vintage. It just makes us consider the tantalizing magazine story possibilities that are still waiting to be written.
- The inside story of Tiger Woods since the fateful accident: Just about everything that led up to his wife flipping out and making him run into a hydrant has been published. Now we need to know what he's been doing since that day. We must know whether the email hoax is accurate!
- The inside story of Michael Jackson's death: Get the quack doctor to tell his story. Get all the household employees and whatnot to tell their stories. And his family, and then maybe throw in some exclusive Jacko quotes given just prior to his death. That would be awesome.
- The great Wall Street mea culpa: To get a few of the real CEO-level masters of the universe to spill their guts with a modicum of honesty—and on the record—would be a triumph of schadenfreude that America is still waiting for.
- Inside the Obama family: We've had the smiley version of the Obamas ad nauseum; but if you could get some real dirt on Barack and Michelle's fights as a married couple (and yelling at their kids! etc.), you'd have gold. Slimy, bottom-feeding gold, but still. And speaking of that...
- The George W. Bush confessional: This guy was more of a patsy than an evil monster. That means that eventually, the time will come when he feels the need to unburden his Christian conscience about being manipulated by Cheney into doing so much evil shit. Also, there were always all those jokey-but-maybe-not "Bush is drinking again" and "Laura hates Bush" stories. What up with that?
- Sarah Palin, uncensored: Whoever can woo her enough to land the magazine equivalent of the famous Katie Couric interview could destroy her presidential aspirations once and for all. If only Palin voters could read.
- The official Anderson Cooper coming-out story: We really deserve that one.