Beyond the Conveyor Belt: Four More Ways to Mate Humans for Our Amusement

Did you watch Conveyor Belt of Love yesterday? It's about one of those sushi restaurant things except instead of raw fish, it's men. A great new technological advancement that has us thinking of other ways to revolutionize the dating-show format.

A conveyor belt is beautifully simplistic in its utility—a steady stream of mens just glides effortlessly on by, coming from one unseen place and slowly rolling over to another—and we'd like to recreate that sense of ease and stripped-down function in our other dating show ideas. They are as follows:

Beyond the Conveyor Belt: Four More Ways to Mate Humans for Our Amusement

Pneumatic Tube of Love
Much like the intricate series of pneumatic tubes employed by Mr. Burns and company at the Springfield Nuclear Power plant, the tubes on this show would be used to transport something quickly and efficiently from a sender to a receiver. In this case, that something would be a man (or, I suppose, woman). Basically the married friend of a bunch of single gals sits in a large room and is visited by would-be suitors. She has a brief chat with the fellow (or, more likely, just looks him up and down) and then decides what tube to send him down. Will Lucy the insurance company secretary who's quietly developing a drinking problem like Brill, the strapping entrepreneur/part-time ski instructor? Will Diane the rounding and increasingly vacant-eyed vet tech enjoy the comedy stylings of silly Dwayne, the Rancho Cucamonga-based IT specialist who's the funniest guy in his office? Most importantly, will both men enjoy rocketing through a series of tubes on their way to the potential ladyloves of their lives? Tune in to find out!

Beyond the Conveyor Belt: Four More Ways to Mate Humans for Our Amusement

Railway Handcart of Love
Not many people know that this is how celebrated novelist Willa Cather met her beloved. (Pictured there on her way to meet him. That's actually Willa Cather!) In this Western-set dating series, a woman stands by the dusty railway tracks and watches as men hurdy-gurdy past her. When she sees one she likes, she fires a pistol in the air and the fella must stop. They'll do a brief dosey-doe and if the match is right, they'll git hitched! The true fun of this series will be watching the hapless men—guys like Kris, a peach-jawed music director for his local Evangelical church, and Shawn, the slack-jawed third son of a family of morticians—struggle and sweat with their old-timey transportation devices. Grab a pardner and sit on down to watch Railway Handcart of Love, coming this spring to the History Channel.

Beyond the Conveyor Belt: Four More Ways to Mate Humans for Our Amusement

Les Misérables Rotating Stage of Love
A gay dating show to be featured on the here! or Logo networks, LMRSoL features the famous turntable set from the classic musical. A 'director', our Mr. Lonelyhearts, sits mid-house and watches as a slowly-turning cavalcade of men dressed as 1815 student revolutionaries sing their hearts out, all hoping to land the role of boyfriend! Will our 'director' find his ideal cast member, and dream a dream of happily ever after, or will he be singing "On My Own" as the curtain goes down? Look for standout players like Kirk, a Destin, FL-based TJ Salty's Seafood Grille & Tap waiter who's always longed for Paris, and Manny, a dancer from San Juan who thinks his one bedroom in New Rochelle needs a roommate.

Beyond the Conveyor Belt: Four More Ways to Mate Humans for Our Amusement

Gun of Love
Few things are more American than guns. Finding love on a dating show is also pretty American. So those two things combined are more patriotic than Mark Russell making love to a cheeseburger. For obvious reasons, this would be a one-time special.