Today, a judge ruled video of next week's trial on the constitutionality of California's gay marriage ban could be uploaded YouTube. Now a question looms larger even than Prop. 8's constitutionality: Will the trial go viral?
The highly anticipated federal trial over everyone's favorite idiotic Mormon initiative that outlawed gay marriage in 2008 starts Monday. Prop 8 supporters didn't want to allow any video at all, claiming their witnesses would too "intimidated" by the cameras to be properly homophobic. (Or something.) But Prop 8 opponents and news organizations urged that the proceedings be recorded and made available immediately for broadcast, because they just have to know what's going on all the time. The YouTube deal was a compromise: The trial will be filmed, but the recordings would be distributed in a delayed fashion, over the Internet.
Of course, videos on Internet only really exist if they go viral. Here's how the staid Prop. 8 trial could be this decade's number one smash viral video—our generation's "David After Dentist":
Insane Activist Is Tasered
A wedding dress-clad gay marriage activist or crucifix toting gay marriage opponent sprints down the middle of the courtroom. (Take your pick.) Before they can reach the bench we hear the distinctive zap of the taser and down they go. Pandemonium breaks out. The activist says something pithy and meme-y like "I can't believe I just got tased!" and is hauled away.
T-shirt Potential: 10
Obscure Politician Makes Eloquent Speech
Some California Assemblyperson takes the stand and—holy crap!—they actually put words together and tell a heartwarming anecdote or some self-deprecating jokes and tie it nicely into the overarching theme of "compassion," which is what we should feel toward gay couples who can't marry—no matter what our particular religious or moral configurations. Woah. Was that really a politician? (Remember Diane Savino during the failed New York State gay marriage vote?)
T-shirt Potential: 3
Well-Spoken Gay Marriage Opponent Accidentally Refers to Gays As "Faggots"
A respectable-looking gay marriage opponent is on the stand, presenting an intricately reasoned case for why gay marriage threatens his freedom of religion. But, oops! He very casually says that he "doesn't have a problem with faggots, per se." The courtroom goes awkwardly silent. There are scattered gasps. The gay marriage opponent halts for a second, a shadow of mortification passes over his face. He continues in the same measured tone as if nothing had happened.
T-shirt Potential: 0
Hot Lesbians Make Out During Testimony
A beautiful woman approaches the stand. We think she is going to argue that the love between her and her partner of three years is as real as that shared by any straight couple. Instead, she summons her partner to the stand and the two engage in a powerful make-out session for five minutes. After they finally come up for air: uproarious applause. The judge hammers away on his gavel in vain as titillated onlookers of all sexual orientation start sucking face with their neighbors in a major way. Someone throws a handful of confetti.
T-shirt Potential: 8
Highly Coincidental Earthquake
A preacher from an Orange County megachurch takes the stand, Bible in hand. His voice is God's wrath incarnate as he condemns the miasma of sin that would envelope our land if Sodomy was enshrined in the Law. As his voice swells and his sermon reaches its climax a slight shift jostles the packed courtroom. It couldn't be... The preacher slams his Bible to the podium and the sound echoes in the now silent room. Then: EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!!! CALIFORNIA FALLS INTO THE SEA!!!!
T-shirt Potential: 0
Adam Lambert Humps A Court Reporter's Face
During his testimony, Adam Lambert gets carried away and humps a court reporter's face.
T-shirt Potential: 7