We Mourn Jubilantly as Original Jersey Shore Cast Is Said to Return for Second Season

The first season of a reality show is the only "pure" season. Now that the eight cast members have achieved fame, the most important sociological experiment of our time is ruined. Of course we'll still watch, but wearing black.

According to the New York Daily News' Gatecrasher, the always-forgotten Vinny told a bunch of girls at the Youth in Revolt afterparty at La Pomme on Tuesday night that MTV wants the original cast back for another dip in the hot tub. Since this was said in the pursuit of the female of the species, the information is highly suspect, because we have learned from acute observation that the highest priority of the guidous americanus is mating with the opposite sex and they will do anything—including lying to a Daily News reporter in a tight shirt, fake tan, and too much perfume sent to tease secrets out of the cast—in order to achieve their goal. A rep for MTV hasn't returned our email asking for details.

While we are excited for the prospect of season two, it will absolutely be ruined. This is the Heisenberger Principle in action—while observing Jersey Shore, we have destroyed it. We have made them into stars, scrutinizing their every move and giving them the fame and fortune that is ransom for being in the public eye. They are no longer the eight innocents who arrived in Seaside Heights with all their earthly belongings in a Glad Bag. They command appearance fees at nightclubs they couldn't even get into before the show, they have been countless late night programs they hardly knew the names of, and they were at the fucking Youth in Revolt afterparty at Le Pomme!

They are also aware that they now have characters to play and instead of being their authentic selves (playing it up a bit for the camera, which is natural) they will be "Snooki" and "The Situation," or what they think we expect to see. And the people around them won't help. Ronnie and Sammi Quiznos go on a date and instead of him paying for her mini-golf, they'll be comped and have to pose for pictures. When Snooki goes to Karma, everyone will want to party with her and make her do backflips. If someone recognizes her, there is no way he would punch her in the face. Not that Snooki being beaten is a positive, but we will never witness an unblemished scenario like that again which, though horrible, is one of the primary reasons we watch.

A recasting wouldn't really work either. While the eight people chosen for the show fit a certain mold, they fit it naturally, and what makes Jersey Shore the ultimate reality show is that they aspire to be the epitome of a "type," not actual individuals. As soon as auditions for a new cast were held, you would have guys blowing out their hair (using DJ Paulie Delicious' instructional video) and girls hitting the tanning salon so that they can play up their guido cred. When they land in the house, it will be even worse, as they fist pump mercilessly, hook up in the hot tub furiously, and pick fights with each other and strangers for the camera. Instead of being their delightfully disastrous selves, they will act in the way they think the audience wants—a that will make them rich and famous like the originals.

That is not what we want. We want to observe a group of befuddled innocents in their natural habitat, not some tricked-out simulacrum that they show is destined to become. We will relish the four remaining episodes of this pure season, but the majesty of this brilliant creation has been tarnished and we are deeply, deeply sad.