The 111th Congress of the United States of America outlines these proposed rules concerning the sleeping arrangements and sexual encounters of seven strangers picked to live in a house at 2000 S St., NW in Washington D.C. It is decreed:
1. Beds shall be chosen based on first come, first serve basis to the house and much ado will be made about the selection of who bunks in which room. After the time is decided when all the beds are taken, they shall never be made again for the duration of the occupants' stay in the home. Messy and strewn with previously worn clothing and other assorted belongings is the ideal dressing for the beds. Occupants also shall not sleep in their assigned bed more than two nights in a row.
2. If a gentleman (especially one named Ty) wants a female of the house (like Ashley) to share his bed, he must demand that she do it. Said female must put up a fight and not give in to the male's demand. However, if the male then follows her into her bed and spends the night, that is legal.
3. While out on the town, if a male occupant and female occupant make out with each other and then each make out with another person(s), they can be labeled "disgusting." However, that does not preclude the aforementioned occupants from hooking up again in subsequent evenings.
4. Once an African-American from Baltimore and a former cult member share a bed one night, they must continue to sleep in one or the other's preassigned sleeping quarters throughout the duration of filming. However, if they are allowed to bring members of the same sex back to the domicile for bisexual hook ups and preferably three ways.
5. The only appropriate attire for sleeping in the house are sweatpants with a slogan across the buttocks coupled with a used T-shirt for women. Underwear with or without a top is the uniform for the men. It is completely acceptable to lounge around in these garments for both several house before and several hours after sleeping.
6. Any flirting that occurs between a Christian liberal and a confused homosexual while lounging in a bed is false. Any party that thinks that real emotions are behind the innocent banter should be taken out and flogged publicly.
7. When out at a homosexual discotheque, any bisexual occupant of the house must initially flirt with an opposite-sex roommate. Only then is he allowed to pick up a member of the same sex—homosexuals classified as "doughy twinks" are ideal, but other body types will suffice.
(a) The previously flirted with female, upon viewing the male occupant badly dancing with another male should then get a serious case of stink face.
(b) When asked why she is upset, she should lie and say that she is fine.
8. Any male—doughy twink or otherwise—brought home from a homosexual discotheque will only be allowed into a bed after he has made out with a male occupant on a publicly visible flat surface. Pool tables, desks, floors, coutertops, and other horizontal surfaces are all acceptable. The visitor is then allowed an evening in the occupant's room.
(a) If the homosexual qualifies for over night quarters, the occupant's roommate must complain about the arrangement, even though she is powerless to stop it, because the rules for occupancy have been met.
9. Any male—doughy twink or otherwise—brought home from a homosexual discotheque that has been granted overnight access must not engage in any sexual behavior with the occupant. Kissing and "some hands" are all that is contractually allowed. He also must be escorted out of the house before any of the other housemates wake up.
10. Any male over the age of 21 that sleeps with a bear will not be allowed to engage in sexual intercourse. This law holds sway not only over the house, but also the whole country overseen by this governing body. Hallelujah, Amen.
11. If the bear-sleeping male tries to engage in a romantic relationship with a slutty former cult member who also shares his room, he must be rebuked, and she will be forced to shack up with an African-American from Baltimore.
(a) When this circumstance arises, the bear-sleeping male will be allowed to chase after another female member of the house.
12. Any female member of the house who is pursued by a bear-sleeping male is forced to continuously shoot him down for the entirety of their occupation. If she as much as kisses him, she is eligible for ejection from the domicile.
13. If the bear-sleeping male is rejected by more than one female member of the house, the occupant of the house who receives the least amount of screen time must lend the bear-sleeping male his clothing and take him out on a quest to get laid.
14. The female procured on such a visit must be named Crystal.
(a) Any female named Crystal is hereby decreed as "trashy."
(b) There is no shame in hooking up with someone named Crystal.
15. Any visiting Crystal must be drunk and must be forced to be purified in the hot tub before she is allowed occupancy on one of the mattresses furnishing the house. Once she has been cleansed, she can then get as dirty as she wants, but is not allowed to have sexual contact with the occupant.
(a) Crystals are not allowed to spend the night. This is true across the entire globe and the universe in perpetuity including in places not yet hereby discovered of man.
16. Any female of the house, though she is wearing her sleeping attire, can not be ordered to bed by a visitor. If such an order is given, the female occupants are allowed to laugh at the party giving the order and mock her. They are also eligible to spy on her for the duration of her stay, even if it involves sexual activity with a male member of the house.
17. Any make out sessions that happen in a bed with the lights on must be done in full view of others so that they can determine that no activity is occurring under the covers.
18. Any make out sessions that happen in bed with the lights off must be one in full view of everyone for no more than 20 seconds. After that time, the covers must be drawn up over both bodies so that we can all assume that sexual intercourse is taking place.