Madonna and Sean Penn having laff riots, reminding us of Gossip's Glory Days. Jay-Z and Jonathan Safran Foer meat in the middle. Snooki's Fist Pump fees. Kate Gosselin's new 'do/Jon Gosselin's new "do." Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Madonna and Sean Penn were spotted yukking it up at the St. Regis on Thursday, surrounded by Madonna's bodyguards. Did you know! Sean Penn infamously pointed at Jesus Luz at last year's Oscar's and asked "Another kid already?" Which is pretty goddamn funny. So the standard is set high. Maybe they were laughing about this, which I had no idea about. Benicio Del Toro is going to be Moe? Or maybe they were laughing at the fact that Madonna's just another notch on Warren Beatty's big bedpost, and that Sean never treated her like that. Or maybe they're getting back together, which would be amazing! But probably not because Madonna's too busy being overrated having sex with her toy dog of a man-friend and Sean Penn's too busy being overrated making movies. [Page Six]

  • This item about Jay-Z and Beyonce having a date night is TOO MUCH. Basically, because they went to The Standard Grill earlier this week, they descended upon Abe & Arthur's, where they order Kobe Beef Sliders, an $1,100 bottle of wine, and Ricotta Donuts. The item ends like this:
  • "Jay-Z doesn't eat red meat any more, so he stuck to the doughnuts," says a spy. The couple then hopped into an Escalade with a 40-inch flat screen idling outside.

  • So many questions.
  • 1. Beyonce can eat red meat but Jay won't do the do anymore? Too much time hanging out around the 'Burg, methinks.
  • 2. So he stuck to the Ricotta Doughnuts? Dude obviously isn't counting calories.
  • 3. An Escalade with a 40-Inch tube? Do screenings of Avatar on Ninth Avenue and Little West Twelfth come with that? They couldn't wait to watch TV on a regular-sized TV until they got home to Tribecca like, five minutes away? A 40-inch flatscreen can fit inside an Escalade and be watchable? My mind: blown.
  • [Page Six]

  • Jersey Shore kids make more money for showing up to a graveyard and fistpumping than you will for the first fiscal quarter of 2010. [TMZ]

  • Jared the Subway Guy is engaged! And here I thought he was dead. [People]

  • Kate Gosselin's new hairdo cost $7,000. I wonder if she can deduct it as a business expense. Or another dependent. [NYDN]

  • Marc Jacobs to Marraige-Potential Manfriend: Holla: We want pre-nup! WE WANT PRE-NUP YEEEEEAH. [Page Six]

  • How do 911 calls get released? Who's leaking these things? And who's listening to these things? Here, the NYDN has Brittany Murphy's mom's 911 phone call and the 911 phone call reporting on Casey Johnson. Both are probably gross. And not at all what you want to hear first thing in the morning. [NYDN and NYDN]

  • "Octomom Wins Battle to Control Octofinances." So great, but TMZ really needs to stop outdoing their stories with their headlines. It'll reach a breaking point when they start receiving MFA applications. Watch your ass, Iowa. [TMZ]

  • Bradley Cooper used to work at a Morgans Hotel as a doorman and the one thing he used to spend all his time doing were lighting and re-lighting tea lights because the wind kept blowing them out. I'm not sure what you can take from this vis-a-vis Cooper's career but you know what was underrated? The sitcom he was in about Anthony Bourdain. I mean, it wasn't great, per se, but shit, it could've been awful. [Page Six]

  • Funny or Die made a patently unfunny singles ad for Matt Kemp, her new boyfriend. Is there a joke about Chris Brown? Would it be unfunny if there wasn't? Possibly not! [NYDN]

  • Snooki, Master of The Duckface. [People]

  • TMZ: Fox hasn't said they won't say "Yes" to Conan O'Brian. In other words, Gossip Site Speculates On Possibility of Speculation. [TMZ]

  • Ivana Trump—who recently freaked out on kids before flying a commercial airliner out of Palm Beach, which got her booted off the plane—is now the latest celebrity to join Celebrity Big Brother. Feel like taking a crack at some of the others? You may not say "Stephen Baldwin" because I mean obviously. But any of the others? Because this is a motley crew. Any show using tourette's syndrome to drum up ratings is gonna be good watching on some level. [Page Six]

  • Jon Gosselin has had sex with The Babysitter, The Plastic Surgeon's Daughter, The Star Reporter, and apparently, Kate Gosselin. Presenting the latest Gosselin Girl: The Ski Bunny. [NYDN]

  • Page Six has a sighting of Steve Schirripa and Michael Imperioli, but more importantly is the full-on "Charlie Daniels Band road manager" look Michael Imperioli's sporting. Reminder, he "actually looks like" this. Expect Brooklyn to be all over this shit later this summer. [Page Six]

  • Presenting TMZ's photos of dogs licking babies, or something. Whatever, I enjoyed it. [TMZ]

Remember the good old days of useless celebrity gossip? Neither do I, but maybe they're back! As is me posting before noon! Meantime, it's freezing in New York! Stay home and click on things and send me tips, per the usual. Happy Saturday! Notable: Super Indie Mega Dumpling Rock band Passion Pit is doing a three-night run in New York! They will never be as good live as they are on the album, but that's okay, unless they argue otherwise this weekend! For those of you who haven't heard, jam on it:

[Classic image of PennDonna or whatever they would've called them back then via Bauer-Griffin. Seadonna? Madenn? Etc.]