After tweeting that she hadn't slept for four days straight following the death of fiancée Casey Johnson, the internet's favorite oversexed pocket-celebrity, Tila Tequila, went AWOL for two days, only to return by announcing "I HAVE NO FRIENDS!"
Mulholland Drive on Meth appears to be approaching the Lord of the Flies-like dénouement where everyone forms a circle around the most-reviled character and destroys her completely.* (Or allows her to self-destruct, depending on whether or not there is a difference.) **
Tila disappeared from Twitter for two days following a much-discussed trip to the doctor, prompting some (okay, just me) to wonder whether a medical professional had tossed her into rehab or some other institution. But then, the anti-heroine resurfaced Sunday with 68 tweets and new blog posts. The tweets told the sad story of why Tila is incapable of staying off Twitter in her time of grief:
Then, our tragic figure took to her official blog on Joe Francis-sponsored soft-core porn purveyor Tila's Hot Spot Dating and penned a missive entitled "TILA TEQUILA'S COMPELLING & SAD LIFE STORY!" Like Tila's Twitter, her blog is illegible and kind of frightening to experience firsthand, so here is an abbreviated guide and translation:
Tila: Well last night I was on Twitter and I was just tweeting about random things and somehow one Tweet into the next it lead me into writing a mini auto-biography through 7 hours of Tweeting!!!!!!! [...] Everyone who read it was moved to tears and today a lot of people kept asking me where they could find that story.
Translation: My compulsive oversharing has reached the tipping point where I am compelled to get off Twitter and get on my blog. My supernatural sense of self-importance has yet to diminish.
Tila: Imma Ninja! Im serious! That's why they sent me away to Juvenile Boarding school...cuz Some DUDE tried 2 fight me & I beat him up. I got sent 6 months to juvie. But once I got sent to Juvie it was scary. Everyone was segregated & I had 2 find a new "gang" 2 chill wit 2 back me up in there & ...And so I rolled with the Mexicans. [...] That's how I got the name "TILA TEQUILA" my Mexican family (gangsters) gamme dat name after I couldnt drink with them! [...] So u see? I went from gang-banger, juvenile criminal 2 changing my life around & now living the dream in HOLLYWOOD! If I can do it SO CAN U!
Translation: This lady had a rough life. That she clawed her way into Hollywood and onto MTV is actually pretty impressive, and accounts for my weird and deeply irrational soft spot for Tila, even as she proves time and again that she deserves very little sympathy. I guess she'll make for a fascinating profile subject some day (in that "fascination with the abomination" way) but not until she takes it down a notch or twenty-seven.
Tila: Now u guys kinda know why I try so hard 2 help others.
Translation: I have no sense whatsoever of my public image.
She goes on to tell terrifying stories about an ad hoc abortion, gangland murders, and other "fucked up" scenes from her teen years, some of which are more believable than others—one of which involves a corpse mummified in duct tape—and all of which she plans to include in a new memoir.
Tila had another cause to celebrate at the end of her two-day Twitter hiatus: Larry King booked her for Tuesday. But then her arch nemeses, Casey Johnson's loved ones, protested and Larry seems to have de-booked her, opting for interviews on the White House gatecrashers instead. Tila says it's a conspiracy:
* This is horrifying in many ways, not least of which being that there is apparently nobody to respond to Tila's cry for help, which reminds me of a certain other recent Hollywood flameout. Over Christmas, Tila says she made amends with her estranged sister, and there's that brother she's a surrogate for. What happened to them?
** Is it possible that Tila is perfectly sane, and this is just how her mind works, and there is no cause for alarm? Or is something very bad about to happen? At what point does rubbernecking veer into some sort of ethical obligation?