Do you know what the big news story is here, in recession-ravaged America? The cold air that is destroying the Florida orange crop. And rightly so! It has everything: Oranges, weather, global warming skepticism, and the wild and wooly, rough and tumble world of orange juice futures trading. Hold onto your hats, unless your fingers are too frozen to do so!
With such an apocalyptic act of god humbling the haughty orange juice kings of Citrus County, you, the humbled American consumer, may be tempted to ask, "What is next?" Is this horrific orangey catastrophe merely a prelude to further acts of divine economic retribution? As we contemplate the "absurdly inept" state of stick-up men and casinos that fail to make money, for fuck's sake, we must inevitably come to the conclusion that, yes, the worst for us is yet to come, when it comes to money (which we don't have).
The message from god is clear: Drop your agricultural implements, puny humans, and put it everything into derivatives. You may lose your life savings and subsequently freeze, but at least you'll be able to afford liquid orange juice—for now.