Celebrate the New Year With Fitness Failure

It is the new year which means it's time for you to go on an unsuccessful diet, America! Let us survey the landscape of sure-to-fail fitness ideas rolling out (ha) soon. Select a few and promptly abandon them!

  • Fitness gizmos and video games wearing you out? Why not join one of those hot new "virtual gyms" this year? Like a real gym except imaginary!
  • Ad Age's Emily Bryson York has a great overview of what the weight loss-industrial complex has in store for you, the unwitting subject, this year. Since you're all broke, you will, paradoxically, probably be eating more calories this year. But!
    Crystal Light: New tagline is "Water Your Body," which allegedly promotes water as "transforming, sustaining and life-enhancing." How this promotes Crystal Light is unclear.
    Subway: Offering a former Biggest Loser contestant $1,000 for every pound she loses between now and May. Better idea: Hang Jared in a plastic cube over Times Square until May, with no food.
    The Following Brands Are Also Promoting Themselves As 'Weight Loss' Things, Really: Dunkin Donuts, Taco Bell, Quiznos, and Planters Peanuts—what dietitians call the Quadrifecta of Healthy Consumables.
  • Two former 24 Hour Fitness executives have been sentenced to prison for fraud. Justice—or fear of a superior race of people who are fit quite literally around the clock, twice?
  • What else is in breaking fitness USA news today?? Kristen Cavallari is taking a circuit training class! "I never want to go and I walk out dripping in sweat and it kills you, but it works." Is what she says. Show her some respect, Americans.
  • Celebrate the New Year With Fitness Failure
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