It is the new year which means it's time for you to go on an unsuccessful diet, America! Let us survey the landscape of sure-to-fail fitness ideas rolling out (ha) soon. Select a few and promptly abandon them!

  • Fitness gizmos and video games wearing you out? Why not join one of those hot new "virtual gyms" this year? Like a real gym except imaginary!
  • Ad Age's Emily Bryson York has a great overview of what the weight loss-industrial complex has in store for you, the unwitting subject, this year. Since you're all broke, you will, paradoxically, probably be eating more calories this year. But!
    Crystal Light: New tagline is "Water Your Body," which allegedly promotes water as "transforming, sustaining and life-enhancing." How this promotes Crystal Light is unclear.
    Subway: Offering a former Biggest Loser contestant $1,000 for every pound she loses between now and May. Better idea: Hang Jared in a plastic cube over Times Square until May, with no food.
    The Following Brands Are Also Promoting Themselves As 'Weight Loss' Things, Really: Dunkin Donuts, Taco Bell, Quiznos, and Planters Peanuts—what dietitians call the Quadrifecta of Healthy Consumables.
  • Two former 24 Hour Fitness executives have been sentenced to prison for fraud. Justice—or fear of a superior race of people who are fit quite literally around the clock, twice?
  • What else is in breaking fitness USA news today?? Kristen Cavallari is taking a circuit training class! "I never want to go and I walk out dripping in sweat and it kills you, but it works." Is what she says. Show her some respect, Americans.
  • Celebrate the New Year With Fitness Failure
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