Lost: The Disney ExperienceS

Ha, here is a funny thing that nerds want. There is some sort of petition making the rounds begging ABC/Disney to build a Lost ride at Disney World. Hah! What could such a ride look like? Let's imagine!

Honestly the ride we'd be most interested in would be the Boone Carlyle Sexytimes Express, but that could probably only happen on Pleasure Island, and no one goes there except for complete lame-os. (Non-lame-os prefer to get they drink on at the Grand Floridian bar when vacationing at Disney World.) But seriously, speaking of Boone, you could do something with that scene where he (SPOILER ALERTZ FOR THE REST OF THE POST, GUYS) gets in that little plane and then it falls and he dies from a terrible case of plane-squish. (But he's coming back! Eeeee!)

Basically, think of something like the Jaws ride at Universal Studios. One of those slowly-driving-around-on-a-mechanized-cart kind of things that takes you through various stages in the movie, in some sad attempt at weaving a narrative. And by sad, we mean wonderful, because as silly as those rides are (King Kong!) they are also very fun.

So yeah. You begin with the *big* plane crash and then you are on the deserted island and then... Smoke Monster! He picks you up and thrashes you around for a little while but you do not die. Then you get in Boone's heroin plane of death and then... Oh, yeah, you see creepy things like Jacob's house and various Dharma stations. Then you are a Tailie!

Of course there is an Incident — lots of shaking and loud noises and scared kids' burying their faces in their mom's multi-pocketed khaki shorts that she only wears on vacation. There is some sort of battle with the Others and you get to go underwater to the Pearl. Oh and the submarine! You go down in that and then you blow it up. Then more Smoke Monster, more Others, bang bang blow up blow up, you wind up in a pit full of bodies and then you go traveling back in time — zooooommmmm (the ride goes really fast here) — and you keep jumping to different times and — oh shit, we forgot you have to go back to Earth the mainland, and then crash or explode or disappear or whatever on the Ajira flight and... then... well, how does it end, Damon? Carlton? Anyone? Actually, don't tell us. We don't want to know.

It's a good idea! They could create a whole Lost land. With a little Dharma cafeteria to get lunchtime snacks. A souvenir shop called Eloise's. A kiddie polar bear ride or something. A fancier restaurant called Rose & Bernard's, all done up in island romance shabby-chic. Nerds can dream, can't they?

Back to the ride, though. Gawker politico Alex Pareene made a good point to us just now. The most important, and thrilling, part of the ride?

"You would wish you could believe the guy operating the ride when he says he totally knows where it's going to end up but you really wouldn't."

Hah/Sigh.