Heidi Montag's New Song Is the Apotheosis of Gross

"Eat my panties off me," Mrs. Pratt rhythmically coos. Vogue threatens Anna Wintour's town car, Elin Nordegren invests in another house, Ryan Seacrest cries over Simon. Come, plumb the depths of Wednesday's gossip.

  • If only we could harness the force of all the Schadenfreude they create and use it to power whole cities. "Ooh—come eat my panties off me," Heidi Montag murmurs in her new single, "I'll Do It," which is so gross I'm starting to second-guess even the non-gross parts. Case in point: "off up into ya dungin." I think she means "dungeon," but is it possible that "dungin" is slang for some part of the body that one can be "up into"? This song sounds suspiciously like a catalog of Pratt-Montag fetishes. Point being: You don't want to listen to this song, except that you kind of do, so here it is. [THG]
  • Sensitive Ryan Seacrest wept bitter tears of abandonment over the news that Simon Cowell was leaving American Idol. "Ryan is devastated by the news. Taking it much harder than anyone else. ... Without 'Idol,' Ryan wouldn't have E!, wouldn't have his current radio gig, and wouldn't have made it onto People's 'Most Sexy' list." And he would give it all back for one sweet minute more in Simon's arms. [NBN second item]

  • Vogue's new publisher Susan Plagemann killed the magazine's tradition of town car service for senior editors staffers. Page Six wonders whether Anna Wintour will ride the subway, which is satisfying to imagine, even if it's implausible. She'd pay out of pocket or force a team of able-bodied interns to carry her in a rickshaw, if it came to that. [P6]

  • The police reportedly think Jon Gosselin's ransacked apartment was a publicity stunt. As for suspect/frame victim/ex-girfriend Hailey Glassman's domestic violence claim, "He won't be arrested on this one." God, smite this man while you can. [Radar]

  • Conan O'Brien's scorched earth NBC exit is the first time I've bothered watching late night TV in years, and it's been great, so I'd like to thank Jay Leno for that. But stealing Conan's timeslot is reportedly not enough for Jay, who now intends to copy Coco's outrage by leaving NBC, too. I don't believe this story—where would he go and why would he leave a network so willing to bend over backwards and alienate its viewers for him?—but then, Leno hasn't made sense in years. [NBN]

  • David Copperfield is in the clear after a two-year investigation into whether he trapped a former beauty queen on his private island and raped her repeatedly. [TMZ]

  • Elin Nordegren is renting a $2.65M mansion three miles from Tiger's place in Windermere, Florida which means they're in for some awkward run-ins at the movie store. [NYDN]

  • Rozlyn Pappa, the Bachelor contestant kicked off the show for "cheating" on Bachelor Jake with a producer, says she only talked to the gentleman in question to borrow his phone: "They let me talk to my son two times the entire time I was there. One of those was this producer giving me his personal phone." Host Chris Harrison, however, maintains that she had "a physical relationship with a producer on our show... Other girls on the show saw it. The producer confessed." [HuffPo] [People]

  • Beyonce and Jay-Z are the highest-earning Hollywood couple, with a combined $162 million from records, movie roles, and endorsements last year. Second place went to Ford-Flockhart's comparative meager $69M, followed by Brangelina's $55M. [Wrap]

  • A big night last night for famous people's criminally active offspring! Cybill Shepherd's 22-year-old son Cyrus was arrested for stealing cash, a digital camera, and some other stuff from airplane passengers' carry-on luggage while mid-air. Maybe their suitcases got confused? [AP]

  • Meanwhile, NY Gov. David Paterson's 15-year-old son Alex was detained by police for possessing shooting dice and a credit card of murky origins (possibly stolen). I still can't get over the fact that people own shooting dice at all, and that 15-year-old New Yorkers gamble with them on Amsterdam Ave. on school nights. It's some weird union of Guys 'n' Dolls and Grease, plus identity theft. [NYDN]

  • At her Opium Hard Rock event in Florida, Snooki's hair poof was four inches tall. [P6]

  • Brangelina responds to tragedy as fast as Barack Obama does. "We are devastated by the news from Haiti," they informed the press. "We will work closely with our good friend Wyclef Jean to support the humanitarian efforts on the island and help those who have been injured and left without homes and shelter." Recall that Angelina first showed off her Shiloh-pregnant belly during an aid trip to Haiti with Wyclef. [JJ]

  • Speaking of Brangelina: They are skipping the Golden Globes, which is such a relief to Jennifer Aniston, who was afraid she'd run into Angie, who then would use her Medusa-like stare to turn Jen into stone, which has always made her look fat. Angie and Brad are both in movies that got nominated, Kung Fu Panda and Inglourious Basterds. Jen will be performing the ceremonial role of the ghost of 'it' girls past, in charge of frightening young starlets into eating their vegetables and not smoking. [NYDN]

  • Pierce Brosnan went to the Waverly Inn on the same night Salman Rushdie did, the former silently communicating to latter's "20-something beauty" of a date that old aging does not have to look that bad. [P6]

  • Ben Silverman got engaged to girlfriend Jennifer Cuoco and celebrated with friends including Ryan Seacrest and Jason Bateman, exactly the kind of benignly handsome, well-groomed men you'd want as backdrop for a major life event. [P6]