We were busy watching all the jokes about Leno last night to make it to Gossip Girl costume designer Eric Daman's book launch party. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern never lets us down. Here's her report.
Eric is Da-Man
By Betsey Morgenstern
The last time I was thrown out of Henri Bendel is it is because I stuffed a Balenciaga pump into my Fendi bag. It wasn't really shoplifting, because I actually owned the shoes, but I broke one running away from Tom Arnold on the red carpet and needed a replacement. Who can afford another $3,500 for just one shoe? The confusion around the shoes allowed me to slip out with the bag. That I actually stole, and it's amazing. I was nervous because I brought it with me to the super chic department store last night to celebrate the launch of Gossip Girl personal shopper Eric Daman's book You Know You Want It: Style-Inspiration-Confidence. Now don't get confused, Daman is not Serena's gay younger brother. He is actually not gay at all. He is a sexual predator who should be avoided at all costs.
When I first arrived to the party, as usual, I hit up the open bar for a few cocktails. They were especially needed this evening, because I was afraid that Bendel security was going to be called at any time to repossess my purse. If they took that away along with my tube of lip stick, "borrowed" iPhone, MetroCard, and three Vicodins that I took out of Lindsay Lohan's pocket on New Years Even, then I would have absolutely nothing. I nearly spit out my
second drink when I saw Serena van der Woodsen clutching Eric Daman to her breast.
"Oh, Eric. You're so funny! Stop it."
"No, I swear, your boobs are like magnets. I just can't tear my head away. Look, I'm trying, I'm trying and I'm still hear. Can. Not. Pull. Myself. Away."
"Eric, come on now. I know that my boyfriend isn't coming but there are pictures! This could be embarrassing."
"But they are just so beautiful and big and round. They are like lovely little cushions that I just want to lie on for all eternity. Don't make me leave your bosom."
"OK, Eric. Now you're just creepy. I came to your stupid book party, now leave my tits alone!"
"Fine, but the next dress I put you in is going to cover you up to the neck."
"But knowing you, the skirt will still be cut up to my coochie."
After peeling himself off of Serena's breast, stupid Vanessa came to walk the red carpet. Where were her lady dreads? Did she get her hair done just for this occasion? Dan Humphrey should have been there, because she has never looked better. When I got back from my fourth trip to the bar, she was showing off how flat Pilates keeps her as ass. She's a smart girl, she wouldn't let Eric anywhere near her or her ass, but he still stared from the sidelines. He's depraved.
Suddenly Georgina Sparks appeared out of nowhere and ran up to Vanessa. They are friends after all.
"Do you know where the bathroom is, Jessica?"
"No, I'm sorry. Is everything OK?"
"Yeah, I think so. I just had some Mexican food for dinner and you know..."
I wasn't sure what she meant, but I knew I had to get to the bottom of Georgina coming back to town.
"Georgina, Georgina. What are you doing back in New York? What happened to the Prince? Are you back living with Blair?"
"Jessica, who is this?"
"I don't know. She's been staring and me and going to the bar repeatedly. I guess she's a reporter."
"OK, Jessica, I really need to use the bathroom."
I couldn't let her escape. "No, Georgina, don't leave yet. I have questions. How are you going to get Dan back. Did you know that he's in love with Vanessa now? How are you two friends after that? And why do you keep calling her Jessica? Is that some sort of insult?"
"Listen, I don't know what game you're playing, but I have to go. Like, right now."
"No, Georgina, my readers want to know all about it.
I blocked her from getting away and she became very frustrated. You know that Georgina is used to getting her way.
"Listen, girl. If you don't let me get to the bathroom right now, I'm going to...I'm going to...Oh.....shit."
"Oh, Michelle. What is that smell? Did you just."
A strange smell was wafting over the crowd, and I just needed another cocktail to survive. Sure, my stomach was a little upset, but considering the nasty things that were already lying on this red carpet, puking on it might not be the worst thing.
Poor Georgina was still standing still in awe as everyone around her fled and no one knew what to do after the bomb she just dropped. Everyone but Eric that is.
"Oh, Michelle. That is such a sweet little nugget. I love it."
"Eric, that's gross, get away from me."
"No, never. I've always wanted a Cleveland Steamer. Will you give me one? I'll do anything you want. Michelle, I'll do anything. It's what I named my book after. You Know You Want It has nothing to do with style!"
"Oh, Eric. I...I...I don't know what to say. I need to get out of here. I just need to go."
And as she's trying to maker her exit, Chuck Bass runs across the room, staring at the carpet.
"Is that a fucking turd?!"
"That's a fucking turd. Someone took a fucking turd on the fucking red carpet. That is disgusting. And awesome. Hey, girl, what's your name."
I had probably 12 cocktails at that point, and was seeing double, but when looking at Chuck Bass I was seeing double money signs.
"My names Betsey. Shwhats yourssss," I slurred.
"You're not a bad looking bird, but you are really drunk."
"I'm noss drunk. You're drunk. You're Chuck Bassss. Let's fuck."
"Whoa, back off there sister, my girlfriend is here, and she doesn't take kindly to me going off with other ladies."
"Fuck your fucking girlfriend. Shee'ss a fucking bitchsss. And why do you have a Britishss accent?"
I stumbled up to him and placed my hand on his chest and tried to get closer.
"Hey there, Betsey. My girlfriend's gonna see and you'll be in big trouble."
"I don't give a fuck about your fucking girlfriendss. Blair Waldorffff is an ugly fucking cunt. Hear thasss! Blair Waldorffff is an ugly fucking cunt!"
"OK, Betsey. I think it's time that I get out of here, you should do the smart thing and get yourself in a cab. OK?"
He walked away but I needed to sleep with Chuck Bass. That was my meal ticket. As he got to the end of the red carpet, he ran into Blair and whispered something in her ear. She locked eyes with me and her face started to turn red. I was wasted, but I knew it was time to get out of there.
"Where is she? Where is that Betsey girl who called me those names? I'm going to kick her ass. Who has seen this Betsey?! Tell me now!"
I was hiding behind the step and repeat. It smelled something awful back there, but at least I was safe. I was pretty stinky too. I think I must have stepped in some of Georgina's spark on my mad dash to get away from Blair.
"Oh fuck, Olivia, it's that crazy girl. The one who dated Freddie Fackelmeyer who was at all the parties during The City. She thinks she knows me. Should we say hi?"
"Joe, don't. Just don't. Don't look her in the eye. Joe! Stop! She's going to come over here."
"But she looks like drunk or stoned or something. And what is that on her shoe? Is that?"
"Ew. That is truly..."
"Thank god Erin isn't here. She would punch her in the face."
"Haha. That would be funny. I do wish that Whitney was here. I do love how this filthy creature can torture her."
"Be nice to Whitney, Olivia. If you're not careful, I'm going to give her your job at Elle."
"Oh, Joe. You know I don't need that job!"
"I know dear. Wait, it looks like she's about....Is she going to....Yeah, she passed out. And now it's in her hair too."