Last night our singing carnival wagoned south to the land of red dirt and REM. Georgia was the spot! In the big GA our judges found... Well, not a whole hell of a lot, actually. They found Mary J. Blige.
Yes, MJ was the guest judge for this go around, and as much as I like her... I kind of don't. See she's such a good singer of good songs — percolatin' and no more drama and the Days of Our Lives theme! — but on the show last night she just seemed kinda bitchy. I know that this show has become an institution and the cameras are there so folks probably feel like they need to act one way or another lest they seem out of place, but is there any reason for a grown ass woman to huff and snarl and put her head on a desk loudly when an innocent nobody walks into a room and starts warbling at them? MJB was allll huffy and groany and eye-rolly and it just made her look petty and dumb. And she is neither of those things in her songs! And yet... Sigh. I suppose Idol can slay the best of us.
Randy, Simon, and Not-Paula were all in typical form. Simon seemed a bit more bored than usual — you can tell by the wedge of his hair. If the two sides are swept up at high, sharp angles then he's ready for a fight! If they're low and easy like wheelchair ramps, then it's going to be a snoozer. Last night his hair was mostly unleavened, and so it was a pretty sleepy episode. At one point you could see Randy's mind drifting off and a thought bubble appeared over his head and in it was a hoagie. Well, not a picture of a hoagie. Just the word 'Hoagie', in big block letters. The man wanted a hoagie.
What he got instead was Kara DiabloGuardablow, a dumb toady old Finger Lake of a person. I really detest her. You know why? Because at least the other two judges are sort of good at pretending they have any shred of genuine emotions still buried in those leathery insides of theirs. They're professionals who know that one doesn't indicate when one is acting on American Idol. One simply is as one is, and the loyal fans will lap it up because they are ugly and fat and not clever enough to buy their own mansions. BUT KARA. Ohhhh Kara. At one point she was like "All right! I am liking Atlanta! Atlanta is bringing it!" or some such nonsense and it was so faux enthusiastic and dull and atonal. Kara is terrible at being on television. That's all it is. Kara DiggyDogdoo is not a good TV personality. That's all. No big deal. It's just not for her.
Luckily the whole damn show isn't about her. It's about singy-sangin'. Fancy pants real Hollywood-type warblin'. All them country bumpkins came stumble-stompin' up into that big ol' glass shack in the sky with all them magic movey floors and they sang their purdy little hearts out for them four sophisticate types from the big city. And awww golly shucks, did they do some sangin'! They sang country, they sang rock and the roll, they sang negro music. They jest about sang every old thang they could.
I am inspired to type in hill-speak because of my favorite 'Murcan Irdol singtestant of the season so far. I don't even know her name, just that she is from Vonore or some such burg in the long lean piece of bark that is Tennessee. And she's like... a movie. Her favorite pastime in Vulcan, TN isn't karaoke or driving around with her friends and feeling the giddy possibility of youth and speed. Her favorite thing to do in Vornado, TN is to jump off bridges into murky brown water. "Don't try this at home!", she yodels adorably. Don't! Unless you have a bridge with water under it to jump into at home. Then, by all means. But don't pretend that your roof is a bridge and the asphalt below is water. Don't do that at home.
Anyway, I love her. She said she bought her dress over in Smyrna for four dollars. Her mom has two cute dogs and she has never been on "an air-o-plane." She actually said aeroplane. At that point I was sort of like "Oh hmm.... Maybe this is fake?" But I don't think it is. I think she just says aeroplane. Some people are left-handed. Some people are are allergic to cats. And some people say "aeroplane." It's just genetics. It's just evolution and science. Aeroplane. Some people say it.
MOVING ON. Aeroplane sings country music plaintively and prettily and a bit pained, which is how country music should be sung, so all the judges like her. Did I mention that Kara DioDingleberry royally sucks? Well, she does. And when she was talking to ol' Aeroplane there in her pink stinkdress, she started droppin' her N's. Like "I'm really likin' you, your singin' has got it goin' on," in this really dumb affected country way. She is so profoundly lame and terrible at this show! Also, don't you wish that she put on a little Dickensian cockney when talking to Simon? "'Allo guvnah, cay-ah for some biscuits and tea and crumpets and goose?? Or maybe a shag in a lorry, righto?" [long, slow fart] Simon just blinks awkwardly and softly whispers "Paula..."
Somewhere far away Paula is curled up with her hairless cat and the sun is streaming through the window in lazy ribbons and everything is still and quiet and she doesn't feel sad today, at least not right now, and then suddenly she hears it, from somewhere out beyond the canyons, tattered from its long journey. "Paula..." And she sits upright, startled and flushed. 'He misses me,' she thinks. "He misses me!" she says to the cat, who stirs and looks up at her with tired eyes for a brief second and then sinks back into sleep and the clocks tick and the afternoon wears on.
Other than Aeroplane, there were a couple of other good people. A girl with big blonde springs for hair sang well. So did a little gay kid who takes care of his mom who has spina bifida (he called it 'spinaL bifida', but whatever). They're both going to Hollywood. A crazy person who dressed up like a guitar inexplicably got through. And, actually! Two wacky people went through. You know how the be-costumed usually are just jokes and they don't do anything well and we all just say "Ohhh, brother." But last night we didn't say "Ohhh, brother" to two of these jokes! There was Gwenny Guitar, which was surprising, but then even more surprising was a fellow with the American Idol logo shaved into the side of his head who called himself Skimbleshanks.
I don't think that's his real Christian name, but regardless he refers to himself as Skimbleshanks. We all thought Skimbleshanks was going to suck, but he totally didn't! So Skimbleshanks is going to get on an aeroplane and fly to Hollyfornia. Though, he is kind of caustic and crazy, so he will probably be kicked off the plane before they take off and then it will be an 'incident' and Skimbleshanks will be on the evening news, surrounded by a bunch of angry, stranded travelers. Curse you, Skimbleshanks!! Curse you always.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm writing right now. Jill Zarin is sitting across from me right now setting up a Gawker commenter account, so I can't really focus. My heart is fluttery. It's full of aeroplanes. I feel so light I could disappear.
Update: Remember the Pants on the Floor guy? He was fun!