For the summer of 2009, we, the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports, set up an experiment where the exercise and eating habits of eight young people were observed for a period of time. Here is what we discovered.

The subjects—four males and four females, all of above-average fitness and attractiveness—were quarantined in a house at 2000 S St, NW. They were only allowed to leave the house to go to the gym, go running, eat at restaurants, and go to nightclubs. While it is obvious for the excursions to the first three locations, the addition of nightclubs is also integral to the experiement. Most young people imbibe lots of alcohol, so we needed a venue to accomplish this in our simulation. Also, the physical exploits of these youngsters while under the influence is undoubtedly the most important part of the study.

For these kids, the gym, like all other things, is a social outlet. The physically fit ones go in groups in order to reward good physical fitness with group acceptance. For the more out of shape ones, running alone is the preferred mode of exercise, as much as a punishment to oneself as it as a way to burn calories and boost the heart rate. In fact, telling a girl who is slightly overweight that she is "too fat to be in Playboy" will undoubtedly lead to a bout of "revenge exercise," where she works out her frustration with her body image issues with intense physical activity and her hostility toward her peers by showing them that she is dedicated to maintaining her appearance.


Body image issues in the young women are rampant, and they are usually blamed on society and the media, but the real culprit seems to be their outspoken peers and themselves. Being called names by another person their age has more of an effect on their behavior than the images they see in magazines and they hold themselves to a difficult beauty standard. The irony is that while the women want to keep in shape to be attractive for the men, the men seem to favor women who are slightly overweight, and will try to peer at their pudges through the frosted glass on the shower door.

The altercations between men and women tend to be more violent the more physically fit they are. The most strapping young man and the buffest women are not only physical in a sexual way, but tend to get physical in a "let's punch each other" way as well. This may be a direct result of their boxing training or the pent up hostility that women feel toward men, especially when combined with liberal amounts of alcohol and jealousy. Unfortunately, even a strong woman has a hard time defeating a muscle-bound male in combat—especially when inebriated—and he will come out on top. Then, the only recourse the woman has is to spit in his face.


All of this working out and fighting is exhausting for our young subjects, and the only other activities that they choose to engage in consist of eating and lying about in messy beds talking about their feelings. We have yet to prove that this has any affect whatsoever on their bodies, but it seems that the intense activity followed by long bouts of sedentary sharing creates an excess of estrogen in the male, leading to an even more intense and unpredictable emotional state.

As for the diet of our subjects, the only food consists of junk food and horrible greasy sandwiches consumed while intoxicated. The combination of cheap meat, fat, and alcohol might be the reason for their resultant laziness the next day.

The largest of the women, though not large at all, is a vegan because she thinks that eating animals and animal byproducts is cruel. We believe there is a deeper psychological factor at play that hopes her arduous dietary habits will simultaneously punish her for being slightly overweight and cause her to get thin as Alicia Silverstone after she got all fat and then did PETA commercials and got all skinny again.

This case is the one that we are most concerned about, but we have come close to finding a cure. We have determined that combining all factors of these young shut-ins lives—exercise, social activity, and dancing—can cause the woman to forget about her body issues and booty bump with the best of them, completely forgetting that someone once insulted their pride by telling them they are too fat to ruin their lives by exposing their titties in a struggling magazine.