For the most important sociological experiment of our time, we must observe our seven guidos not only in environments they are comfortable in, but abroad as well. Still, it as in their native habitat where they truly flourish.
Last night the crew got to spend the night in Atlantic City. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see any of the town other than the inside of a rather generic Italian restaurant and a nightclub called Providence. It is not named after the hometown of DJ Paulie Diplomat nor any sort of divine intervention, because there were no angels there. In fact, it was the scene of the robbery. In the second bonus hour of our study, our crew was returned back to its rightful place, terrorizing the boardwalks and sidewalks of Seaside Heights. Though internal conflict threatens to tear the tribe apart, there greatest attacks are still from without and their greatest struggles of the mating variety.
In fact, the most successful at propagating the race—other than Sammi and Ronnie whose rough relationship already mirrors that of the average guido marriage—is Vinny Cellophane. He has gone from the missing link to the King of All Eyebrows in just a few short episodes. Last night, his two best groomed features not only wooed a cougar and a skanky model (of the the Penthouse variety), but also The Situation's sister, Extenuating Circumstances.
Young Vinny is now so virile that he lost Extenuating Circumstances because he started flirting with his cougar (the one he stole from bossman Danny) and managed to win Extenuating Circumstances back later that night. That is because EC sees herself as a Juliet figures and she is only attracted to men that her relatives deem unworthy or untouchable. Because of the striking physical similarities in their inbred family, she feels the need to assert her independence by choosing mates who will raise the ire of her siblings. That is why she creeps into Vinny's bed in the middle of the night. Next episode, she will be rushed to the hospital after ingesting a poison that she found under Vinny's bed that was made with milk, cheese, mayonnaise, and just a little bit of pickle juice. While it will render her inert for a long period of time, it is not lethal. It may stink, but not as bad a puke breath.
This caused surprisingly little tension in the house, but just about every other petty grievance was aired as if it were the first night of Festivus. Actually, while DJ Paulie Disciple asserts his Catholicism and many members wear markings of Christianity, they all seem to celebrate this fictional holiday known for its squabbles, feats of strength, and erect poles.
If you don't know what we're talking about, maybe we should investigate some other terms that are germane to today's lesson on tribal politics.
- Benny: This derogatory term for a guido is used by the natives of the Jersey Shore, the summertime playground of our lovely lads and ladies. It is actually an acronym standing for Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, and New York, the four places where most of the guidos hail from. It connotes the big hair, tans, trashy clothing, and all the other physical attributes that we associate with the guido, but cast in a negative light.
- Prehistoric Kindergarten: The oldest age known to man, when the first things to walk on two feat were belligerent, muscle bound, heavily-browed humanoids who liked to pump their fists in the air. This is the age to which the guido traces his origins.
- Clinger: A woman who demands constant attention from a man, especially after they have just met. They go in stages from Stage One to Stage Five, the final one being the worst. Stage Five of this rare disease is marked by excessive phone calls, tracking down the male in question, giving him odd gifts, and other stalkerish behavior.
- Taste: While many may argue that guidos have no taste, that is decidedly not true. When a male makes out with a woman, his very potent saliva causes a chemical reaction with hers which will leave a distinct taste in her mouth for any other man that makes out with her. It is a way for them to mark what is theirs
- Belligerent: Getting so drunk that one is not accountable for his actions. This is not necessarily a bad thing.
- Robbery: The stealing of a sexual conquest of one male by another male. While many may see this as a cheap tactic, for some pulling off such a maneuver is a source of pride.
- Ammo: Mean things that one has stored up to say about his tribe mates, usually hurled when cornered and to cause maximum psychological harm.
- Clown Out: To treat a woman badly or to fool her.
Now that we know the passwords let us venture into the guido's secret lair.
Meet Paula: Somehow while trolling the finer nightlife establishments of Seaside Heights, The Situation managed to find the trashiest girl in the whole land. Her name is Paula.
But before we get to Princess Paula of Pooptown, let us take a minute to discuss The Situation's tactics when it comes to bedding women. He will stop at nothing to bring home a girl every night. This has nothing to do with his sex drive (which may be boosted thanks to the "supplements" that keep his arms big and his body little) but a performance for the other men in the house. He is constantly trying to assert his superiority as the alpha male and he does this by showing his sexual potency. This is why it is important for him to score every night, even if the women is unattractive. It also explains why he needs to flirt with and attempt to steal the women that the other men in the house are interested in. His behavior should not be confused with a natural drive to be a leader, but by very deep seated existential pain and horrifically low self-esteem.
This, of course, leads us to Paula, who not only doesn't wear her thong in the hot tub, she has sex with Mike in the Jacuzzi right in front of Vinnie and his Old Lady. When the pair finally leave to go inside the house, she is so drunk that she slips on the top step. Oopsie.
The next morning the crew is awoken by the pounding of the Tanning Salon Chick, who is there to tell Paula that her car is missing, she has missed the first day of her new job (and is probably fired), her mother thinks she's dead in a ditch, and that she is altogether a horrible human being. See, Paula has a new job (probably after not having one for a long time after the birth of her second child) and was not supposed to be out drinking. She broke her word, and when she realized she slept through work, she just went back to bed.
Now Tanning Salon Chick is trying to help her find her clothes and fix the situation she got into (when really she is in this situation because The Situation wanted to get into her). While this is happening, Mike runs for cover in the bathroom, which is the only place in the house where a guido feels safe from confrontation. She leaves in a strangers sweats and T-shirt and leaves her clothes behind. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, meet Paula—the only woman fit to replace Trash Bags for season two.
Tribal Politics: Our test sample of vacationing guidos have only been trapped in their Skinner Box for three weeks and the familial atmosphere that prevailed at the onset of the experiment is starting to change to one of factional animosity. As Snook points out, Sammi and Ronnie are off on their own, The Situation and DJ Paulie Disregarded are out hunting pussy, Snooki and ShamWOWW are trying to find new ways to get punched, and Vinny is off alone—probably scoring. None of the factions are getting along, and they are fighting for reasons to bicker that are even more retarded than the manufactured incidents that keep the Blond-Headed Bimbo Babes of The Hills making pouty faces at one another.
This dramatic altercation between ShamWOWW and The Situation happened because ShamWOWW got a major case of puke breath at the club and needed to be escorted home so that no one would be in the line of fire of her very potent exhales. The Situation refused because he was going to score with a chick and get the self-esteem boost that he so desperately needs. She goes home alone and no one was harmed. However, when The Situation gets back, she attacks him. He is very afraid until security steps in, and then he hides behind the big men and talks shit. ShamWOWW is truly a warrior princess. She is like Xena but with bad extensions and less of a Sapphic streak.
This whole drama was a silly as the fight between Ronnie and Sammi Quiznos and Snooki about whether or not the couple spends enough time with the group or the fight between The Situation and Vinny about whether or not Vinny should have watched The Situation give it to Paula in the hot tub. Stupid! It seems that at least The Situation and Quiznos of Troy have no way of interacting with other people unless it involves an altercation. We don't know the cause of this, but unless it stops, they will grow old alone with no one to behold their wrinkled, leathery faces and tumor-ridden lungs as they sit in their Ed Hardy hospital gowns in St. Anthony's Retirement Home.
But the tide is turning against The Situation, not only in the house but among the millions of behavioral scientists watching this unfold every week. At first he seemed crazy and fun, but now he just seems like a jerk who has no loyalty, will do anything to get laid, hides from a fight, and likes to start shit with his housemates. We have assessed The Situation, and the prognosis is not positive.
Danielle, Agent of Mossad: One night out at the club, DJ Paulie Diabolical picks up a lady named Danielle. She is from Israel and is a spy sent by her mother country to convert the powerful male guido soldiers to Judaism and bring them back to the motherland to introduce their aggressive, strong ethnic traits into their gene pool. She is determined not to fail on her mission, but she is a little too stalwart in her quest and plays her hand too readily. Also, she does not know her pray. She tempts DJ Paulie Danger with promises of Kosher food and marriage. What she should be using is a good red sauce and easy hook ups.
She doesn't realize that the biggest crime a woman can commit is to appear to interested in a man. As we have learned, the guido does not have an easy time attracting and maintaining his women, so they are not used to it being too easy. Her persistent calling even angers the Duck Phone—the guidos' household god—and makes its eyes burn red with ire. In fact, if a girl makes the path to her heart too clear, the guido will get quickly bored and look for something with a lot more complications. That is why DJ Paulie Disconnected ends it over the phone with her.
But when she comes back to the club a few nights later, DJ Paulie Diagnosis sees that she is clearly crazy. Now that is something he can work with. Her bosses in Tel Aviv must have briefed her on the mores of our clan, and she is back in their good graces.
No Nooki for Snooki: Why can't poor Snooki get laid? If the guy she picks isn't throwing up on her or ditching her to go chase other girls, then he has a girlfriend who is watching in horror as they make out in the club. Snooki—who is the most at home soaking her entire body in warm water—can not find a man to save her life. This strange phenomenon is one that we have no answer for and is, in fact, the greatest mystery we have unearthed during our study.
It is especially irksome after she meets Keith, a farm worker who is unbelievably hot. We're talking Channing Tatum shirtless commercial for Dear John hot, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe hot, gay-for-pay porn hot. She rejects him because he is Irish and she "doesn't speak cowboy," but, Snooki, Keith is your soul mate. He won't ever be able to tan, but he will treat you well and give you the relentless rogering you so deserve. You can become a vet and you two can start a petting zoo where you will entertain all the guido children for decades to come. Please, Snooki, marry Keith!
Unjustified Assault: Last week when Ronnie and Sammi Quiznos were stalked and harrassed by Strawberry Shortcake and the Purple Pie man and Ronnie beat the shit out of him and sent his pansy ass back to whatever scented village he came from, we felt sympathy. That guy had a beat down coming. This week, Ronnie's antics weren't so valiant.
A fight between a bunch of "townies" and our guidos broke out when Snooki's "cor-sette" was so provocative that they couldn't help hurling insults at it. The fight was resolved by the crew's security guards (is this a common reality show practice and we've just never seen them before, or was extra security needed to maintain the integrity of our social experiment?) and everyone walked away. But that wasn't enough for Ronnie who rushes back and cold cocks the guy, knocking him out.
We initially believed that the guido would only attack when provoked and had to fight for his honor. Between ShamWOWW's completely illogical attack an Ronnie's unprovoked abused, we now realize that they just like to hit things. They like to fight an hit things and then they lie about it and try to make themselves out to be the victims. This must happen often, because everyone seems to know the exact legal process that Ronnie is about to enter into. They know who to call, who to pay, and whether or not they should be worried about his incarceration as if they have all either lived through this or bailed out a friend at least 18 times in the past. This is unfortunate, but not unroutine—much like when you walk to the local subway station on a Saturday to find the train isn't running. It throws one's plans for a loop, but is easily overcome with a little creative navigation. We can't wait to see them steer the course next week when Danielle Agent of Mossad and Paula assemble the Female Force and bust Ronnie out of prison.
Sammi: "If you wanna punch somebody, punch somebody, but not me"
The Situation: "The only thing we care about is getting girls, getting girls and going to the gym."
Snooki: "First off I see muscles so I'm like, he's my type. But he's Irish and he talks like a cowboy."
Snooki: "I"ve been with goats, sheep, cows, horses."
Snooki: "I'm not a guido, I'm a guidette"
Snooki: "We didn't have to have sex. I don't know why. If I had to have sex with one guy here, it would be him. He's a nice guy, he's gotta be clean."
Snooki: "I do want to have sex with him. I'm saving myself for cowboy."
Vinny: "She's riding you like a fucking donkey ride."
The Situation: "If you're sexually frustrated, that's OK. Get it out in the shower."
DJ Paulie D: "I'm Catholic dude."
DJ Paulie D: "I don't understand that religion or what it is, I just want to get to the business."
DJ Paulie D: "You like your girls like you like your underwear, dirty."
Snooki: "Fuck my life. Seriously, fuck my life."
Snooki: "I feel like a cooking turkey."
Snooki: "This feels like a porno, honestly."
Sammi: "I like your unibrow."
Sammi: "Mike didn't even have the audacity to go after her and apologize."
Snooki: "I wanted to stab him in the fucking eyeball with my fork."
Ronnie: "Sam and I leave around four o'clock, I couldn't take it anymore. You know what I mean. We been here since midnight. Five hours is enough."
Snooki: "Fuck me, right. Fuck me."
The Situation: "You better grab your girl tight when I'm around."
Snooki: "If you leave. I'm gonna stuff your fucking nose with tampons."
Snooki: "I really don't remember his face, because I was wasted"
Snooki: "I think my crotch is sticking out."
Snooki: "I'm not trashy, unless I drink too much."
The Situation: "She likes her mouth full of pickles, she'll like her nose full of pickles."
Snooki: "I'm pissed off that mike and paulie like wasted two pickles. Dorks."
The Situation: "I bring a girl home every night. Have they all been pretty? Some days no, some days yes."
Ronnie: "I've had shit in between my toes that looks better than her."
Snooki: "My boobs are so tight I can't breath. Is that normal?"
Snooki:"What's so wrong with meeting guys at the club and kissing them. It's not like we're having sex, which I haven't had yet."
Snooki: "Get me out of Seaside, honestly."
Ronnie: "You want a sausage when we get home?"
Townie: "Go back to Jersey."
Snooki: "I'm wearing my cor-sette. I was like, I look slutty, but I don't give a fuck."