Miley Cyrus and The Sparkly Ring of Voodoo Man MagneticsS

Miley Cyrus has a ring that gives her special powers, like attracting press! Jeff Bridges basically is The Dude. Tiger Woods likes hot asses, but whose? Fake hair! Golden showers! Taxes! Chicks making out! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • The Daily News couldn't come up with a better lead item for the day's gossip so they just decided to follow the dumbass speculation of some celebutard news website that noticed that Miley Cyrus was wearing a mysterious and sparkly ring and the next thing you know, ohmigod, she might be engaged! This is big news. The achey-breaky hearts of no more than nine boys in America—six of whom don't know they're gay yet—will be sad. OR the mysterious ring actually holds the power of Disney's Pure Greed Extract, which Miley then aims at lesser endeavors of capitalism to make them more efficient. Creepy! Either way, the big news here is that Miley Cyrus is wearing a sparkly ring that people think is an engagement ring, because they want to drum up pageviews, and let's be honest, we've been in this exact spot before a year ago. Deja Vu much? What really matters here is that Miley Cyrus is lying liar. She's never even listened to Jay-Z. Poser. Also, her name is Miley Cyrus. If you say it over and over again, it just becomes this strange sound, this jumbling of phonetics that end up representing you making that sound more than what the sound's supposed to mean itself. Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus. DEEP. [NYDN]

  • Viva Page Six, for the dumb-favorite item of the day: Tiger Woods used to grab some hot blonde's ass a bunch. Which hot blonde ass? His wife's! [Page Six]

  • I don't know if anybody ran with this earlier of what, and if they did, I'm sorry, but I think it bears repeating: Kate Gosselin ditched her new hair after her kids were like WHAT HAPPENED TO THE POSSUM HAIR WE NAMED IT WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH and she was like, "Um, no, I look like one of Tiger's ho's," or something, and ditched it. Kate Gosselin gets this week's Keepin' It Real award, because the thing is, I totally put her in the MILF column after the extensions. No, I'm serious. [NYDN]

  • Rodney Jerkins is being looked at as a potential replacement for Simon Cowell on American Idol. Who is Rodney Jerkins? Glad you asked, because who cares, because American Idol sucks. See what I did there? Rodney Jerkins is responsible for some of the best and worst pop songs of the last decade and a half or so. Read his Wikipedia entry if you really care that much. Which you shouldn't. [Page Six]

  • The obsessive investigations team at People have finally uncovered one of the great thespians' secrets, the key to his success: Jeff Bridges' recently consumed a fuckton of Häagen-Dazs. The Dude Abides, indeed. [People]

  • Security crashed the Two and a Half Men set after Jon Cryer received a threat from his crazy ass ex. This would be a good time to remind you all that Two and a Half Men is the most watched show on TV, and Jon Cryer is basically the Golden Goose of CBS, who will kill to protect the shiny eggs of canned laughter he and Charlie "Choke Out" Sheen . [TMZ]

  • Professional football player and angryperson Terrell Owens mailed an issue of Cosmopolitan to three of his ex-girlfriends, noting that he was in the "Fun and Fearless" section of the issue. He neglected to note that he'd also made the 8 Ways To Tell Your Man He's A Egomaniacal Sociopath feature for the third month in a row. Also, can we just say it? If they read Cosmo they deserve him. [Page Six]

  • Some guy who was on The Bachelor is convinced the chick he wanted on the show was schtumping the producer. No wonder he liked her: she was obviously the smart one. [NYDN]

  • How big do you think your tax bill's gonna be this upcoming season? OH, you're getting a return? Well, don't talk to Nic Cage. The Snake Eyes actor is going to be paying $14M to the IRS. If it's anything like Nic Cage's acting, it will be unintentionally hysterical. [People]

  • Here's some news about some 'Real' Housewives that aren't Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin is the Iggy Pop of Real Housewives. The other ones just aren't as 'authentic,' you know? [NYDN]

  • In the wake of the Washington Wizards pulling guns on each other over a debt, the LA Lakers decided they will not be banning Kobe's weekly $10,000 game of Go Fish. [TMZ]

  • Opie and Anthony had the most bedazzled investigative sleazporter in the world, Ian Halperin, on their show. He claims to have heard the Tiger Woods Sex Tape. Related: I recently heard Ian Halperin telling lies in order to promote his own brand and Opie and Anthony booking him because it makes for good airtime. [Youtube via WWTDD]

  • British assclown Russel Brand (and this is to only categorize and not disparage his life's work, which are great contributions to the cannon of "ass clowning") pisses on someone in his new movie. There's a joke here about Russel Brand being a reformed sex addict, but I'd rather not think about Katy Perry being peed on or the next big Top 40 single about her liking it. Then again, it's been too long since the days of Mark McGrath. Reminder: Mark McGrath loved peeing on chicks. Just saying. [The Sun]

  • Here, the only gossip news I enjoyed today besides Jeff Bridges eating ice cream, courtesy of none other than Mr. Michael K of D-Listed and his Hot Slut of the Day. I won't ruin the surprise for you, suffice to say it's wonderful and exactly how I want you to start your Saturday morning. Cheers. [D-Listed]

For christ sake, do I have a rock up my ass this morning, or what? Good day to all of you! This weekend we should probably talk about why we can't stop hearing about Haiti and why it's not because people actually give a shit about Haitians (because they don't!) and the difference between a sincere and an insincere effort to do so, but quite frankly, I haven't quite found the angle yet! So instead we'll just get bitchy about the Cyrus family, but hey, at least we'll be bitchy together, no? Here's some rock music, play it really fucking loud:

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]